The Time Is Now

Is anyone interested in the everyday?

2011-08-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

Is anyone really interested in looking at someone Else's boring life. I work, raise my kids, eat, sleep and repeat.... Is that interesting? Do I care if it is or it isn't? Blogging can be just that. The everyday.... The potentially interesting... The downright boring. So here we go.... The everyday.

Nathaniel

2010-07-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

Effortlessly He entered the world and laid blinking at the bright lights. What is this fuss about? He is beautiful and delicate and perfect. Adoringly his parents look at him, he is breath taking. Daddy leaves to get juice and Mommy is overcome. Her tears spill over and land on this fresh faced boy, small promises. Instant love strong and pure, it is all so much but so simple. He is here and we adore him.

A New Chapter

2010-04-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

I keep wondering obsessively what it will be like. A new baby, a new routine and a new chapter in life. What will this person in me be like, a calm personality like Jake, easier startled and cautious like Avery... I have never been one to really know my baby as a person inside of me. I can't tell what kind of personality they are until they arrive. So I wonder and I wonder and I wonder... I want to meet him or her so much! I feel good, I am uncomfortable but I feel really content and happy. 38 weeks on Monday, almost done!

I am Stopping.

2010-04-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have to make an announcement. I am stopping. For the months of May and June I will be stopping. I am not going to worry, I am not going to clean like a maniac, I am not going to organize things... I am going to focus wholly on the small person who is about to enter my life and on my body and on me. I have never done this before. With my other three babies I walked out of the hospital and right back into my life. Baby was strapped in for the ride and away we went... Not this time. This time I want to enjoy the experience of being a new Mommy. I have promised myself days of rest and days of relaxation. People who want to see our baby can come over and see him(?) but I will not be venturing out. If our house gets a little out of control I have decided not to worry about it. If we eat pizza more than once, we eat pizza. Life will have to wait as I am stopping.

The Proposal.

2010-03-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

We took a boat ride... I had no idea where we were going.

This was our room. Outside was the awesome view of the ocean.

I was so excited to eat! We had fantastic food and an awesome view, and after we ate he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

I said yes.

3rd Tri.

2010-02-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

Every day my due date comes closer. I am surprisingly nervous. I don't typically get nervous but this small person's constant kicking is reminding me that I am about to give birth and become a Mother. I realize that I have done this before, but the sheer awe of it always leaves me with feeling of nervous joy. Being a Mother is one of the most important jobs on Earth and to be blessed again with another person who will call me "Momma" quiets my very soul.

I am entering into my third and final trimester, Monday marks the milestone of my decent to the finish line. My belly grows and squirms and moves, my stomach is always growling and I am eager to meet this person. The boy or girl question has almost made me crazy! So I will leave here a list of symptoms and you can place your bet on whether it is a boy or girl!

1. I am gaining weight in the thighs, bum and tummy. My face and arms are almost the same size as before.

2. I am carrying high.

3. I had no morning sickness at all.

4. I have been very tired throughout my pregnancy.

5. My hair and leg hair has grown at the same rate but my nails are growing very quickly.

6. I do not look as pretty as I am normally.

7. I am craving fruit, which in very normal for me; and sweet junk food, which is totally not normal for me at all.

8. I have had an aversion to meat, I eat it but I would choose anything else to eat first.

9. I have been very thirsty throughout my pregnancy but my blood-sugar level is totally normal.

10. I have been sweatier than normal, especially in the mornings.

Please add any other things you have experienced or heard! I am dying of curiosity!!!!

Ramblings of A Pregnant Mind....

2010-01-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

I am now 17 lbs and 24 weeks pregnant.
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I love Chai Tea lattes from Esquires
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Work is very frustrating right now.
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My kids are getting so big so fast! Avery is 5 and Liam is 8 next month!
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Why is working so much work right now???? I need a nap!
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I have 14 weeks and 4 days until I am off on mat leave. Very exciting!
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I am painting my bathrooms this weekend, I know I shouldn't but my OCD is kicking in.
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I am struggling to get up in the morning. It is just waaaaay tooooo much work!
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Kid Organizer.

2010-01-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

This area is a hub for my Gaggle. I started it after realizing that I was breaking my most important organizational rules. Keep Like with Like. Papers with papers, lunch kits with back packs, notices where I can actually read them. So I took my extra desk downstairs to Liam's room and made him a drawing corner and had an entire wall for this project. I started with a sofa table or some people call them occasional tables... Whatever they are, they are tall enough to put hooks under for the kid's packbacks. I then started my hunt for a large magnet board. You can get magnet everything at the dollar store BUT the board. Finally Jon found a scrap piece of cut metal at a job he was at and dragged it home. Instant magnet board. I put up my Family calendar, schedule, chores our Mommy/Daddy chart. I then added a magnetic clip for each kid in their color. This was for notices I have to read, hot lunch forms or anything else they think is important. Their picture is above their clip. I also added a hook for keys, found things that belong to them to put away etc... Finally I added two trays, one for filing as the filing cabinet is right there and one for My Mommy Binder. I collect the stuff I am supposed to read, sign or send money in a binder and take care of it at work when I have time. On days I don't take it I leave it in that tray. You can't see it, because the lunch kits are in the way, but I also found a charging station at Value Village for 5 bucks. It hold my cell phone, camera and ipod. So when my 'gaggle" gets home they hang up their backpacks put their lunch kits on the counter and clip their notices to the board. I can get all their papers organized, their lunches made and set out for the next day and their homework tucked away in their backpacks. Mornings have been a breeze!

I am Blessed.

2010-01-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

In my life there has been some heart ache. I have had some difficult times and carry difficult memories. Life has been tough at times. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be capable of moving forward the journey had become just simply too hard. The difficult times have made me appreciate the good times, the fun times and the joy that there is in my life. I look around at 30 and cannot believe the blessings that have come to me. To add to the amazing life I already have I am so pleased and excited to tell you all....

...that we are having a baby! Our new addition will be joining us in May!
I feel great, have had no issues and everything looks great! We are not finding out what the gender of the baby is and you are all welcome to guess... I will keep you updated!

Hearting My Gaggle!

2009-07-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

Is there anything better than spending the entire day than making jam with your kids? Is it messy? Sticky?

...But does it involve your WHOLE family and create lasting memories of berry smells and stirring?

Do the kids get bored and tired of stirring?

They LOVED it! They had a blast!

When we finished they asked if we could go get more berries...

Did we need more berries... Nope I think we got the PBJ situation under control! Well, until blackberry season!

The Kitchen. {love it}

2009-05-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

Isn't the kitchen the heart of every home? Isn't where we spend all of our time and energy and spend the most time with our families? (No? What am I doing wrong???) I spend loads of time in my kitchen and a small room that sits beside it that we call the den. This is the heart and soul of our home. I refuse to spend time in places that I don't love and the number one thing that can change a room is paint. I LOVE paint! I cannot have white walls, it just doesn't work for me. So I booked a weekend where Jonathan was out of town and got busy. (4 kids and a head cold!) This is the kitchen how it looks now, I used a warm neutral because I love to change my accessories.

A full picture shot of my freshly painted kitchen! (Awe... My Winnie is so cute back there waiting. She isn't allowed in the kitchen when I am working in there as I have stepped on her far too many times.)

I love this little area. It is the place to be, the kids help me at this counter all the time.

My window ledge before I painted. This ledge is very difficult to decorate.

This is the after shot of that same space.( Ha ha, can you see me in the window?)

I love this picture... Liam has started labelling and I am so proud of him! This is our dinner bell. I found it is a second hand store for fifty cents, and yes we do ring it for dinner!

This is my display area, before our display area and new paint.

This is after Jonathan fixed my disaster and we repainted. I love this little area and it has been very inexpensive to redecorate with white. The only thing I am missing is a white cake plate! (Still looking for one!)

Another angle of the after.

This is the before of the fireplace, which is really BORING! I am shocked anyone could live with it like this!

This is the after shot. I love it as it balances out the room with these two walls in the same space. I am looking for a mantel to go in front of the tacky tile but I haven't found one yet.

This is the den homework area before...
This is our homework area now. The shelves are from Value Village I got them both for $60!

I know I posted this twice.. Not sure why.

This desk is also in the homework room, across the room now so both my boys can work away while I am in the kitchen. So that is my whirlwind tour of our Kitchen and Den. I absolutely love the color that we chose and also have it in my playroom and I think I will use it in our Master bedroom. It looks so different with different accent colors. The whole change cost us very little and it makes our house feel like our home.

10 Good Things...

2009-03-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

I stole this from my pal KT, she always makes me smile with these lists...

1. I have a great job I enjoy.
2. I colored my hair on the weekend and it is super red again, instead of the drab red it is naturally.
3. I have a safe and reliable truck. I have had bad vehicles all my life and I cannot tell you what it means to me to have a great truck.
4. I have three beautiful, smart and healthy kids. Who in my darkest of hours remind me that I am someone, especially to them.
5. I finally have finger nails. I used to bite them and I have kicked the habit and now i have nice fingers.
6. I have best friends.
7. Spring is coming and with it warm weather.
8. Easter is coming and with it chocolate!
9. I am going to pick up a new hobby. I am thinking about mountain biking as I found some great local bike trails this weekend.
10. I have finally figured out that artificial sweetners are what was causing my headaches and now they are gone!

That's all I've got right now....

How to Wreck Your House!

2009-03-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

*SIGH* I have not had the best of luck in the last couple of weeks. Truth be told I did it to myself and I deserved the consequences of my actions. The stress though... The mess... The OCD kicking into full gear. I tried to be handy. I am not handy. Out of nowhere I decided to move these shelves from another wall and put them up right over top of the chalkboard I painted when we first moved in. FOR THE RECORD.... Do not paint chalkboard directly on drywall. The reason?

Right here. Let me explain, the shelves I moved fell out of the wall. I dusted them one day and the top shelf came crashing down. I lost my cake plate collection, several of my fave platters and my trifle bowl. All of these things are loved and cherished and I was so sad. Jonathan picked up the pieces of the collections and my heart and we made a plan to fix my disaster with the promise that I would not play handyman ever again! So this is what the chalkboard looked like after scrapping it off the wall.

Crazy thing is it took off the sealed paper that coats drywall and made the wall all pitted and bumpy. This is day 2 and 3...

Jonathan continued it while I was at work... It was a ton of work!

Finally the chalkboard was gone, the holes filled and the paper covered in sealant and primer. A new square was mapped out so we could center the shelves on studs this time.

All mapped out primed and waiting for a coat of paint!

The first and second coat of "decadent" my color choice that reminds me of chocolate cake!

Now the brackets are being centered in the middle of the square!

Level and square!

A little trim around for effect...

Beautiful corners... That I can take no credit for, I held them while he hammered!

Final touches with the remains of my collection and a few pieces that I had in cupboards. I decided to go with all white so it picks up against the chocolate brown.

The final result! I love it! Thanks honey!

at least...

2009-03-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

My house smells amazing... The lilies in my bouquet are opening and filling the house with a fresh smell... It soothes me.

2009-02-28T22:55:00.000-08:00

Is there anything worse than not being chosen. Prioritized. Is there anything worse then feeling alone in a relationship. I guess being alone in a relationship plus one day. I'm not sure I can continue.

Some more hearting...

2009-02-27T13:44:00.000-08:00

There is something that gets released in my brain when I fix something that is broken. A system that isn't working, a display that is "off"somehow. I had painted a large chalkboard on a wall in our kitchen thinking that this would be an interesting way to keep organized. It never happened. We rarely ,if ever ,used it and it became a spot I hated to look at as it was always dirty. I scrubbed it, repainted it and moved some shelves right over the top... It worked out perfectly! This is now apart of my kitchen and displays some of the things I use, albeit not often, so they are easy to reach. I now love this area and it is used more often. The cost of this "reno" was $0! I had the shelves and moved them, I had the jars in the pantry taking up way to much space, and I had all the display items! What did I do to the wall these shelves were on? I am working on it tonight!

I had to include this pic with my birthday flowers! I love flowers!

You probably noticed you can only see 2 chairs. That's because the back of the table has a small bathroom bench that the big boys use. This has ensure that this room not be crowded, because the bench slides under the table when we aren't using it. The front side of the table has 2 smaller chairs with the little ones booster seats on them, I used the little chairs as they fit side by side and the matching chairs didn't. Now Jon and I sit at either ends of the table. I sit with Avery to my right and Liam to my left, as they both need my help. Jon sits with Jaden to his left and Jake to his right as Jaden needs a lot of help and Jake hardly any. It balances out the tasks that need to be done while we are eating together. It also makes for easy table setting, when you have a 4 year old setting she always know who goes where. So there is my after pic. I only destroyed the house for a week to finish!

30

2009-02-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

30 things I have learned in my 30 years:

1.) Family is everything.

2.) Impossible is a meaningless word.

3.) Love conquers all.

4.) Children live what they know, they are not your legacy, you are theirs.

5.)I am a red head trapped in a brunette's body.

6.) Fear will convince you of anything it wants to.

7.) Entitlement is the plague of my generation.

8.) Search tenaciously for the beauty in everything you see.

9.) Life is too short.

10.) I am the author of my own story.

11.) Friendships take work and effort. Well worth both of these things.

12.) There is never a reason not to help.

13.) There is always room for one more.

14.) Perfection is fleeting, acceptance is golden.

15.) A cup of tea cures all ailments, from heart break to stomach ache.

16.) The small things mean the most.

17.) Napping is good for the soul.

18.) Save your best for those who mean the most!

19.) Look up.

20.) Stop moving.

21.) Make sure your face lights up when your child enters the room.

22.) Always kiss good night.

23.) Share.

24.) Laugh, a lot. A lot of stuff is really funny!

25.) Find something that makes you happy, garden, paint... create!

26.) Remember those that got you here.

27.) Time is your greatest commodity.

28.)You can never have enough mittens.

29.) Love your shoes.

30.) Eat chicken!

Kitchen Catch-All!

2009-02-18T15:47:00.000-08:00

I am changing this space. The kitchen is such a catch all for my family, we end up cramming things into a room that cannot contain them. This wall is going to be apart of the kitchen with all of the display stuff (my cake plate collection, and tea pots and juice jugs) all displayed here. I am going to put the shelves up right over top of the chalkboard. Then the other stuff will find a home in the study I am creating out of the little room that adjoins it. 2 boys doing homework needs way more space than 1. I will show you more later but this is what I am up to!

Happy Valentines Day!

2009-02-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day! I wish you all plenty of kisses and hugs!

I hope you Dance...

2009-02-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Avery,
The year I carried you inside of me was the beginning of the end for a lot of things. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage and of life as I knew it. That year was fraught with endless worry and heartache. As your tiny body shaped itself the onslaught of stress hormones and sadness must have roared in your ears as tidal waves. I struggled with you, I struggled with your existence. I remember hearing the words "You're pregnant." I remember my stunned reaction. I went numb after that. I thawed a little at your ultra sound, kicking and sucking at your tiny thumb I realized that whatever happened you were here and I loved you. The doctors office called me several days later with the news that you were a girl and I didn't believe them. I remember how fast that you came from me, 2 hours... Your tiny body screeched and the indignity of it all. They placed you in my arms and the thaw turned into an all out melt, you my little girl were perfect. You had fingers and toes and you gurgled and cooed and I was instantly in love. I named you Avery which means fairy warrior. The perfect blend of what I wanted for you to be. Strong for the coming times would be difficult but also a little girl who can believe in fairies.

Today, you are 4. The last 4 years have been some of the worst and some of the best in my life. Every thing that has been the best has involved your fierce loving, fairy believing heart. There are gnomes in my garden and fairies in my summer nights because I have you. There are flowers and dancing, cake and ponies in my home because I have you. I can see color and love with all my heart because I have you. You are my girl and beyond that you are my daughter. It humbles me that I created you inside of me and God has blessed me with your guardianship. I am thankful for you gentle, tiny hands on my face each morning and your larger than life personality every day. You bless all those around you with your amazing smile.

My love for you extends beyond the words that I could type and the things that I can say. My hope for you, my lovely girl, is that you dance. Through life, through struggle and through hardship. I hope you dance your way to the best that you can be and the happiness you deserve. You are the light of my life, you shine with such force and strength and I will always watch you dance. I adore you. Love Mama.

Is there anything better than cupcakes?

With icing?

Each sprinkle put on by hand!

Each cupcake inspected by the master chef!

This is some good icing!

2009-02-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

I had a very exciting weekend. I think every thrift store I walked into was having a sale. The little table I got for 5 dollars... I am planning on using it as a night stand. Then I got this cool black bowl for a dollar and filled it with some stuff I had laying around. The turnippy things I got for free from a friend, the pinecones were at michaels for a dollar and the cinnamon stick was tucked into them. The starfish was from a bag on seashells I bought from VV for the bathroom. This sits on my sideboard in the livingroom.

I am currently obsessed with browns. I am trying to pick a soft brown for our room with a chocolate brown for an accent wall. The process is taking forever! I hate painting so it takes me a long time to pick colors.

This is another fun project I finished this weekend. This sofa-table, I love sofa tables! I saved from my Mom and Dads burn pile on their farm. She couldn't get rid of it. No wonder as it was the oak color seen below (very 80's!). Another can of matte black beauti tone ( don't hate jewels) and this little piece fits perfectly under my dining room window! With the awesome bird cage I found on clearance at Home Sense. So my next major projects will be painting our room and painting and organizing our playroom! Have a great day guys!

Family Rules...

2009-02-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

I have these posted in my kitchen and have had several people ask about them. These are our family rules created by our family;

1.) In our family we speak to each other respectfully. We do not call names or use inappropriate language. If I make a bad choice my mouth will be washed out with soap.

2.) Teaching other members of my family to say inappropriate words is just as bad as saying them. If I make a bad choice I will have my mouth washed out with soap.

3.) There are 4 kids in our family, we cannot always include everyone when we play. I don`t like to be told I am not welcome so I will try not to say it to others.

4.) I have my own room, it is my responsibility to keep it clean. When asked I will dust, vacuum, and take my dirty laundry tot he laundry room. Having my own space is a privilege and if I am not respectful I will lose it.

5.)My room is my space. I can tell my family when I want to be alone or play quietly. I must remember that they are allowed to ask me to leave their rooms as well.

6.) Taking care of my body is not a chore. I can brush my own teeth, take bathes or showers, do my hair and make sure I am wearing clean clothes. My parents will help remind me.

7.)I am allowed to be upset, hurt or mad. I am not allowed to have fits or tantrums. If I make the choice to have a fit I will have to sit in time out to think about my actions. I will also lose a privilege. My family loves me and can help me with any hard feelings, I do not need to freak out to be heard.

8.)I I can only control my own actions in any situation. If someone bothers me I can choose to walk away and ask for help. If I choose to fight or have a fit I will sit in time out to think about my actions.

9.)My parents punish me when I am disrespectful to our house rules because they love me and want to have fun with me.

10.) Grown up rules are different than kid rules. I will try hard to understand the difference. My parents will explain things to me that I don`t understand , so I will not ask adults about their behaviors.
----- Being part of this family means that I am part of something very special. I am one of the pieces that make this family the fun and loving place that it is, and it would not be the same without me. Listening to my parents shows that I respect my parents and myself.---------

Important Notes:
* I stole 90% of this from Dr.Phil`s book family first.
* I have this written in the first person so they felt ownership over it.
* We review this monthly, ask the kids about changes or ideas and they take turns reading it out loud to us and explaining it to us. I want them to know it.
* I say `In our family...` a lot. This is about our family not anyone else`s. The rules may be different for other kids.
* Any punishments that are listed actually happen. I have washed numerous mouths out with soap and taken numerous privileges away. I follow through, this is key!
* Time out is not a punishment, it is a tool I use to move the child out of the situation. They cool off and then we handle things from there. Maximum time out time is 10 minutes.
* I use the terminology of parents, although we are a blended family both Jonathan and I are the parents of this household. This list of rules has created a harmony in our home as the kids know what they are expected to do and what the expectation level of behavior is irregardless of which of us is currently dealing with the situation. Some situations deal with both of our biological children. The house rules eliminate the thought that the biological kid ,of the parent who is dealing with the situation , is being treated more leniently. The rules are clear. You helped write them. Plain and simple.
* Kids are kids, they simply do not know what the rules are unless you tell them. They are not short adults. Having family meetings, following through and creating harmony in an otherwise wild house... This totally works!

Liam

2009-02-04T10:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I have always written to you about who you used to be. I will admit to how many times I described the torturous life that you lived and how we both endured it. Today I want to write to you about this moment, the little boy you are now. I love to reflect on our battles but nothing means as much to me as you now. I admire you ,my son, for some of the qualities I struggle with the most. Your quiet, strong, persistent nature. Your unbelievable creativity and your constant thirst for knowledge are a daily source of amazement for me. We are truly the opposites of each other, yet I feel such a connection to you. You love me with an unconditional love I had never experienced.

You just don't know how to do it any other way. Other children beg for the latest and greatest toys but you make them. You make yourself toys and spend hours playing with them and sharing with your sister. Truly Liam you are my gift. I have learned so many things about myself in this process of raising you to be a man. I have learned how to be humble, how to ask for help, how to appreciate every step as it happens. I have learned how to negotiate and be heard by those who do not want to hear me. I have learned it is never impossible. I watch you now and I glow. I look forward to your gleaming
smile every morning and you account of your day at supper. I love how you want to teach us. I love how you appreciate those who help you and those who you have helped. I love how you are such a grateful soul and the littlest things mean so much to you. I thank you Liam, for all of our moments all of our strengthening, loving
and treasured moments. Not because you fought Autism and won. Not because you are beyond intelligent and wonderful but because you are my son. The person I created. The person I fed at my chest. The person I nurture. The person I have the privilege of being called Mom. You are boundless, endless and remarkable. So tonight as we celebrate your 7th year on this Earth and eat hamburgers and cheezies and orange pop, as per your request, and give you all the dinosaur stuff you can handle. I will be watching you ,in all of your birthday glory, and live in this moment that we created together and let the light of you and your today person shine.

I Could Not Ask For More.

2009-02-03T12:15:00.000-08:00

I have to tell myself to stop. I have to do it often because I always push for more. More organized, more decorated, more work done, more career moves planned... I need to stop and learn how to be content and enjoy each stage as God hands them to me. My home was intended to be just that, our home. As much as I like it organized I LOVE it full of happiness, joy, and the sounds of my gaggle. I stopped the other day and got a picture of them eating pancakes. It wasn't a special day. It was before school and they were just eating pancakes. There is so much love in our hearts and positive directions to take our lives. Sometimes you can get your feelings hurt,

sometimes others don't agree with the direction your life is heading. I can tell you first hand I know that feeling, the important thing is the pursuit of your authentic self. The person that you long to be everyday of your life. Do your eyes light up when you see you babie's faces? Do you love your partner with all your heart? Does your heart feel good about the people you share your life with? Can you soothe and be soothed? Are you content? There are moments in your life that define you. They break you and remake you depending on your willingness to be broken and your submission to the rebuild. I have lived through these experiences, albeit unejoyable
while experiencing them, the trasformation can be remarkable. I came through some of the most gut-wrenching experiences a better person. Someone who is learning to stop and love and fall in love. To take pictures of my beautiful treasures and to play on the floor with them. Ta create moments in each day for each one. To know their favorite color and current best friend. I deserve to know my kids and they deserve to know me. Restructure yourself to fit them into

your day and your life. Feel joy and passion and sadness. Be thankful. Be loved.

The Bedroom.

2009-02-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

What the heck do you do with this???

I hate our bedroom. It's like a white box with a bed in it.

I guess this is an okay start... Wish me luck this is a big job!

10 Things I am Hearting Right Now....

2009-01-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

10) Black matte finish spray paint from Beautitone.... Oh. My. God. I love this stuff. It seems to work on every surface I have tried it on and dries so fast! I am obsessed.

09) Mr. Clean Magic Erasers... I love these things! I buy boxes of them and have successfully gotten out the following stains; Sharpie off an antique dining room table, crayon off the wall, sharpie off the wall, toilet bowl cleaner off the toilet seat, a blue stain off the tub and countless other things! They are amazing!

08) Fleecy Fabric Softener in vanilla. To say I heart it is simply not enough, this stuff makes me love to do laundry. It makes the world smell good!

07) Fantastic Multi surface cleaner: This stuff cleans carpets, I tease you not! Counters, cabinet fronts floors and carpets... I KNOW!

06) Very cool trays. I have a new obsession with trays and I find myself buying them at second hand stores and piling them with stuff, they just look so nice!

05) Old fashioned cookie cutters: I saw a magazine with a picture of a canister holding cookie cutters and I was hooked, they are so cool to look at and collect, plus at pennies each they are a fairly inexpensive hobby.

04) Cake Plates: Gathered in a group or just having one around, they have such a neat look on a shelf or behind a glass cabinet. Again I am obsessed.

03) Layers: I find myself wanting my house to have layers, I find it looks so cozy to have blankets and pillows and comfy things around. It makes me appreciate the winter.

02) My Blackberry: I love my blackberry and call me a yuppie if you want but this thing has given me more freedom than any other single piece of technology to date!

01) THE SNOW! This is the first winter in years I have actually enjoyed! No endless rain and depressing cloudy gray days. Just glorious beaming white, clean snow. I heart it!

Have a nice day all!

2009-01-27T14:04:00.000-08:00

This is the wall without a face... Isn't he sad? This weird little corner has been the bane of my existence for the past 10 months. The weird angles and pink tile do not help a mantle less fireplace. There is no love in this room, no interest no character. Just a blank space of air... The room in the family room and it is also a weird space with no real walls, it is more like a hallway than a room. I have one rule in my house, all rooms are to be use able everyday! This one is failing, not because it isn't used, we walk through it everyday, it isn't enjoyed to its fullest potential. So I am gutting it and starting again. There will be no unused, under appreciated rooms in my home! None! Let the face lift begin... ooh.. I am all tingly!

The Evolution of a .... Dresser!

2009-01-26T13:05:00.001-08:00

The front hallway/entrance of our house looks like a kid-bomb went off in it. Shoes, and coats have homes but seasonal everyday stuff does not. I saw an awesome picture of an open shelf concept with baskets. I liked the idea but open shelves were not the answer I was looking for. There is just too much to have leaking out all the time. I decided on a dresser. I wanted 3 drawers and it needed to fit in the middle of the wall by the front door so as you walk in it also could act as a catch all for mail, newspapers and keys. We went for a walk on Saturday to all the local thrifts. I found this teal bad-girl for 30 bux. It was more than I had wanted to spend but had 4 big, deep drawers and was very sturdy. I grabbed it and sent my guy back with our truck to go and get it! As soon as I saw it sittingin my front lawn I got excited! Even better, the guy wanted to help! He had watched me thrift and create so many times that he wanted to give it a try!

We got to work! I took the dresser body and he took the drawers. We sanded, wiped and then... I pulled out the spray paint. He was skeptical. I insisted. Spray paint is so much easier than rollers and brushes and trays. I had one kid-free afternoon to do this in and I was not spending the rest of my day cleaning up paint stuff. He relented, after all who wants to fight with a crazy lady with a can of spray paint!

A couple hours later (including dry-time) we moved her into the house and nestled her into her spot.( I get attached quick!) While she finished drying I gathered some stuff for my "catch-all" spot. I found a plate (I keep this stuff, sick I know!) and some scrapbook letters, some planter pots I had used outside last summer and one I had from a thrift store treasure hunt. Finally a tray I bought at the same second hand place as the dresser( * I love trays! I have them all over my house and I use them to hold displays, remotes, collections whatever. I think it makes a coffee table arrangement look organized and unified.*) I set everything up on my dresser as soon as she dried, put on her handles and filled the drawers with snow pants(bottom drawer), extra gloves and hats for 4 children(third drawer) and our winter stuff (second drawer) finally in the top I put all of our shopping bags we use, the reusable kind you always forget... Yeah those are in the top drawer!

This is what she looks like now! Isn't she beautiful! For fun here is her cost break down:

dresser: $30

spray paint:$6.97 + half I already had

Handles:$2.49 (clearance hardware store)

plate holder: I had it

Tray:$0.80

Frames: I spray painted blue ones I had and the letters are scrapbook letters I also had.

Total:$40.26

A nice umbrella stand here... I should water my plant!

Finally this black box I had in my craft room for newspapers... Now i walk in my house and things have a spot! Oh. My. Lanta.

Major changes...

2009-01-23T08:40:00.001-08:00

I made some changes to our home... It was fairly exciting as a lot of the kids stuff has been piling up around here for awhile, but my BIL is looking at places to live so that frees up our rec room which will be the new kid space so I declared it time to take back my kitchen! Here is a picture of the mess I created! TA DA! I can be messy! The big problem is counter space...See that microwave on the counter off in the distance, that has been a major problem for me. It is an awesome microwave, that we got from the restaurant that Jonathan used to own and sold but took the brand new, wicked microwave! Problem is it does not fit on the micro
wave shelf. So..... Give up the mic or make it work... I went with make it work. We bought (with gift cards!)this awesome kitchen island from IKEA, yes I am an addict. I didn't stain it or anything, just set it up...Well Jon did! This is during our process of moving things around. I had a sideboard here before that was tiny, it was a project I worked on before we moved and I thought it would work perfectly here. It didn't. It was too small and had too many drawers for what I wanted to accomplish. That moved into the dining room and now hold our boardgames and several dining room type things. Another huge issue in this kitchen is the size of my stuff! I have a huge crock pot, there are 6 people in this house, and I entertain a lot. This means I have platters and chip n dip bowls galore! So how I decided that the "island", no longer an island because it is against a wall, would work as an extension of the counter with all my everyday stuff on it. The rice cooker, my kettle, the crock pot. I use these things often so they are nice and handy on the "island".I also have a huge salad bowl and some of my platters that I use somewhat regularly on here. The top I use as a counter top. So far it has been working well. The baskets house piles of plates, gravy boats and other random stuff I use on a regular basis.
These shelves have now been in 5 different rooms. They have been painted, sanded, stained, sanded and are currently antiqued, is that a word? They hold my never use stuff. The trifle bowl I use to make trifle once a year, my cake platter collection that I inherited and I use once in awhile and the cupcake holder I use at the kid's birthday parties. The baskets are for the kid's essential upstairs stuff. For the first time EVER I hung some plates on the wall. I never thought of the walls as storage but you can hang your plates/platters whatever on the wall, have it look really cool and take them down and use them whenever! I am so impressed with this! Plus you can get plate holders from the dollar store! Although I like the look of these shelves I am planning on thrifting another cake plate to even out the 2 up top, maybe a white one. I am also going to change the baskets from those two to another set I have that won't be so bulky up there. Just so a basket swap out with the living room. It is nice to have my kitchen back to being my space, the kid's art area is still there just not as crowded with their stuff and all the stuff on display had doubled my cupboard space! ( I really should show you the mess that I made with the kids stuff, but taking a picture makes it real and I am just not going to sleep at night with all that there and it being real.... I realize that this is crazy talk!)

The evolution of a table... part 3...

2009-01-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

This is actually my coffee table (above) I was playing around with some stuff and came up with this neat arrangement. Inside the white container is my wine gums, obsessed a little!

This is the almost final product, last pics though, of my table... Isn't she a beauty!

Another shot of my beauty! Foggy camera LOL! The picture holder turned out well. I am going to use it for pictures, birthday and Christmas cards! Such a great deal!

Another before...

Way... before.

The Martha Myth

2009-01-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks to KT, one of my fav bloggie buddies, for the meaningful comment about how "Martha" I am. I appreciate it very much, but in an effort to ensure you all of my down-to-earthness I give you this.....

... this is how my craft room is currently looking. I am at work with my room looking like that. sigh... I am not as much Martha as I am human.... Love you all!

The evolution of a table... part 2...

2009-01-21T09:54:00.000-08:00

Are you prepared for it? The table in it's truest form of decorating genius? (Can you tell I am excited to show you guys this?)

This is what the table looks like today! From an old poopy table to a decorative table with a coat of special walnut! I haven't put anything on it yet, as I am working on a few projects that I picked up from my other favorite place to thrift, a little hole in the wall place in Aldergrove. Seriously dumpy place but a lot of fun to thrift in and everything costs pennies!

These frames are for a family project... will post pics later! This is a picture holder from the 70's I think. It was brass! I think anything looks better with a coat of spray paint. More table pics soon! I am still waiting for you all to post your fave parts of your home!

The evolution of a table... part 1...

2009-01-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

There is something glorious about finding something old and ugly and turning into a piece of furniture that looks amazing in your home. I was wandering my favorite second hand place and discovered this lil' beauty... With a sticker of 7.99... You can't see it but this is a red tag and the red tag on that day gave me another 10% off... Yep. I am the bargain queen. What was I going to do with this table? No idea.

First of all it was covered in crayon and some weird brown stain. I grabbed my sander, also from a second hand store, and went to town. Two layers later I had a table that didn't look like someone pooped on it! I then stained it a dark color. More photos to come. Total cost of this project... Table 7.99- 10%=$7.20

Sander: I already had

Stain: I already had

Total: $7.20

I am in love with this little table! Currently it is residing in my craft room until it completely dries. I am looking forward to going home and moving him upstairs to the spot I picked for him. I heart my home!

Hearting my Home.

2009-01-19T12:10:00.001-08:00

Do you love you home? Are there little corners or crafty projects you have done that make you smile when you see them? When you walk in your door do you feel, the ahhh.... I am home sensation? Do you enjoy every room in your house and fill it with things that are beautiful? Have you ever thought of such a cool project that you told everyone you know! I love to nest, I love to create a space that makes me happy and feel glad to be there. Our home is far from perfect but the weekends of garage sale-ing and thrift store shopping have created stories. With each surface I touch or project I complete I feel such a sense of pride and my heart gets a little bigger for my Lil' house. I have never lived in a place that I felt was a reflection of my family and our tastes and our lifestyle. There is not a room that we do not use, a piece of furniture that doesn't get jumped on or a surface that hasn't had a toy get pushed over it. I marvel at how a house can become a home. The smallest piece of fabric looped over a rod and all of a sudden a naked window is dressed! Flower pots painted and filled with blooms that you love and all of a sudden a room comes to life. An amazing deal at Value Village gets a bunch of umbrellas dumped into it and some lettering added becomes an interesting thing to decorate the front hall ( work in progress will post pic later.) Houses are perfect, Homes are where paint projects and cookies are made. Houses are in magazines, Homes are where coloring and play-doh happen. Houses are interchangeable but home is where your memories, art, chats, and love are created. I heart my home! I would love to see the spaces in your home you heart!

Organization is a not a disorder...

2009-01-16T14:24:00.001-08:00

It is not a disorder, it seems to be something that borders on an obsession to me! I am incredibly type A add some serious issues with spending a lot of money and you get... A cheap perfectionist! I am always looking for tips and ideas so I figured I show you mine, you'll show me yours! Comment and let me know if you posted anything!

This is my favorite part of this house! A pantry! I love this thing so very much! (I hang my apron, not seen here in the wash, and Avery's on hooks on the outside.) Check out the inside!

(Bottom view)
Okay, see that wire ( to the left of this) It is horrible stuff! You cannot put racks or anything on it. So.... I took one of the boxes we had moved with and cut it to fit the shelf! It was white and no one has noticed! Those pull out drawers are awesome! They are stackable and have inserts to keep things separate. Each one has two sides to it. The top one on the right is open for things like potatoes and onions. The blue thing hanging on the door is a shoe organizer cut to fit the door, I had been using it for Liam's beanie baby collection but he built them a cardboard house so he didn't need it anymore!

(Top View)

The shelves are great but stacked up really high with weird openings on the sides. I bought these great sliding shelves from IKEA for 7 bux! They stack up in that open space and I can use the entire pantry right to the ceiling!

All containers in this pantry are from the dollar store! I swear up and down! I hunt through dollar stores all the time looking for stuff. It amazes me that anyone would buy expensive containers when there are perfectly good ones for a dollar! In a lot of cases these were 2 for 1!

This is my bedroom mirror, I do not really use it as I do my make up in the bathroom, so I went to the dollar store and bought a package of suction cup hooks. Now all my chains and bracelets are hanging on them, not getting all messed up and not taking up valuable space in my jewelry box.

(sorry about the flash!)

This is my kid's coloring table. I stained the boxes from Ikea, which use to have cookie cutters and stuff like that in them in my old kitchen. I have a different system now so I re used them to house my children's insane amount of crafting stuff! The little table was an old coffee table that lost a leg. I used another leg from something else and screwed it into place, stained the whole thing and had an instant kiddie table, that would be better then their stuff all over our kitchen table. It also makes the stuff easier to access, therefore less mommy help required!

This was a fun project to dream up! I was always running to the desk for scissors, sharpies and pens for all the stuff you need to label, sign and open. I used old vases that I had laying around and filled them with the stuff I need at my finger tips as I dig through back packs and sign permission forms and re-label containers... I put all of this on a lazy Susan so i can reach the stuff from the other side, which is where our kitchen table is. The cute Lil' chicken is a piggy bank, Jonathan and I put our change in it for hot dog day or whatever...

This is my back pack and prep area. The kids take their back packs off, put their lunch kits in the basket on the counter, you can't really see it but it is there and then any papers I am supposed to look at go into the magazine rack right there to the left. Each kid has a hook, which is one of those removable hooks you can get at craft stores or whatever, they are really expensive but I have re0used these ones tons of times!

FRUGAL Fridays!

2009-01-16T10:13:00.001-08:00

I would love to hear all the ways you guys are saving money! As a full on do-it-yourselfer I have done tons of inexpensive fun and look amazing things that I can't wait to share.

TIP #1: Kid art is always a great look!
How did I make these works of art that hang in my stairway for less then $10?

Well start with your kids hands!

Add some newspapers and some craft paint. ( I already had the paint and I grabbed the canvas at the dollar store!)

Help little people so they don't smear and Voila! amazing art for $10!

Cost break down:

4 canvas @ $2 each

black paint: I had but $2 at dollar store

white paint: same.

TIP #2: Do-it-yourself!

I have a love affair with the french tip.

How did accomplish this for less than 15 bux?

Step 1: grow out your nails! I use Sally Hansen growth formula and it make my nails grow like crazy!

Step 2: Buy a good quality nail polish, one white one clear or a transparent pink.

Step 3: Buy a set of small artists brushes from the dollar store.

Step 4: Coat on the SH, paint your tips white with the artists brushes, go from one side to the other do not paint up and down this will wreck the look.

Step 5: let dry completely and touch up

Step 6: Coat twice with the clear coat

Step 7: LET DRY!!!1 Do not move for awhile, I usually do this while watching TV at night so no kids or chores get in the way.

Cost Breakdown:

Sally Hansen: $7 ( it lasts forever though!)

White tip polish: $4 at drugstore clearance

Clear coat: $2 at dollar store

Paint brushes: $2 at dollar store ( re use every time)= 15 bux!

Those are my idea this week. Let me know what you are doing to save money! I am planning a post about recycling stuff next week!

Sex in The City ( The City of aldergrove that is!!!!)

2009-01-11T21:00:00.001-08:00

Woman can get a bad rep. We earn it but it still can be difficult to shake. There is the catty, mean destructive comments that women throw at each other in an effort to make themselves feel better and feel the empowerment that we are so often told we should feel. I have always struggle with other women, I cannot play the games and get into the places that some of us can. I rarely vent, rarely share but with a chosen few. Last night I felt that circle grow. I am amazed by the women that attended my first ever GIRLZ NITE IN. We have created this group in an effort to remember that we are worth a night out, a glass of wine and the casual conversation of others. I want to take a few moments to dedicate this post to them and the things I learned from them. First of all my girl Kristi. Sometimes awe isn't a big enough word. You continue to amaze me with your powerful strength. How hard you will fight for your family and how much you love your daughter. You are the person I call. You just are. Good, bad, ugly... I just call. It is the unconditional you that I am learning to be and you demonstrate it so freely. The Jewel. You, my friend, are brilliant! The things you say and the way you conduct yourself is such a lesson for me. I admire your passion when you speak about your job and your love for the kids you impact. You are one of the few heroes left in this world and I could only wish for my child to receive that kind of guidance. I can see your love for your family and friends and I am honored to be one of them. Shanna, I have always admired your quiet resolve, although unclear of the details, I know you have struggled in this life. You wear it well, not as a victim but as someone who has survived, learned and is committed to give your child and husband more. It is rare to have someone rise above their raising. For most people it is an excuse not to, for you it is the reason to. Shelley, our newest member, you are so authentic! You have mentioned that your honest and straight forward opinions have gotten you into trouble... I found it refreshing! You are obviously logical and well thought out. You have such an amazing disposition and open spirit. I look forward to getting to know you better. We had another member in our group who is not a blogger, but I wanted to mention her. Thank you for coming, I enjoyed getting to know you. I thought you were insightful and kind. I just appreciate each of you so very much, thank you for coming and spending time with me!

winter hibernation.

2009-01-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

My favorite thing about winter is the slow down. I start to feel myself tire quicker and sleep longer. Yesterday after a tiring day at the office I went home, made dinner, cleaned up, did homework with boys, read stories with Avery, put kids to bed and exactly half an hour later was curled up in bed. Blissfully sleeping at 8:30 in the evening. I had a messy house, should have emptied the dishwasher and I am right in the middle of a sowing project but as I walked to my craft room I stopped and felt tired. I went and had a glass of water and I was still tired. I thought about making a pot of tea... But I was tired, so I went to bed. Tonight the kids will be with their dad so i may not even make it that long! I have a hard time believing that my body would fall asleep that fast unless it was totally exhausted. I have also been very cold lately. I just cannot stay warm. Unless I am in my jammies and in my bed. I am currently at my desk at work with a heater on under my desk and my jacket on with a warm mug of tea in front of me and I still chatter non-stop. So my plan for the next few days is to sleep a lot, eat a lot of warm soupy-foods and focus on staying healthy. I wonder if I am anemic?

2009-01-04T21:25:00.003-08:00

I have made several attempts to post. I just don't have the flow right now. Sorry all, will try again tomorrow.

Christmas Tour

2008-12-22T19:43:00.001-08:00

Divine.

2008-12-22T09:22:00.000-08:00

Reflection is a necessity when it comes to personal growth. How would we ever grow past our mistakes if we do not reflect upon them and try and figure out what the heck we did wrong. There is something amazing about owning your mistakes, it is liberating and can release you from the burden of carrying it with you any longer. Many times I have looked back and wondered what I was thinking and how I could have done such a thing and then I remember that I am looking back at a younger self, without the benefit of life experience and a lot of the time without self esteem guiding my decisions. I was also without divine intervention and I had yet to make peace with myself. I was driving home the other night in the snow. I wasn't supposed to, we had gone to a restaurant to meet friends and one of them ended up having too much wine, so Jonathan drove his car and I drove our truck. As I was driving I was flipping around looking for Christmas music when I stumbled across a sermon that was on one of the stations. This is not something I would ever listen too. I am not anti-church, far from it, I have had several bad experiences and just didn't do the sermon thing. This one had me pause. It was about a man who's father had had an affair and the trauma of the family ripping in two. Having lived similar circumstances I was intrigued and immediately thought of my young son, the one to bear so much of the weight involved with his father and I parting ways. The man described inconsolable pain and anger, anger beyond description at his father who has betrayed his mother. He them spoke on how his Father stopped speaking to him as the guilt convicted him every time he saw his children. The bitterness in him grew. Something that the man said hit me to my very soul and had me crying on that snowy winter road. Bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It just doesn't work that way. I felt myself for the first time feel it, the sadness of it. The grief and the loss. The divinity of our creator and the reminder that God truly is with us. Even in the midst of a storm, God is with us.

$ and Kids.

2008-12-17T09:58:00.000-08:00

I am routinely asked how I can afford to have 4 kids. I remember my Mom being asked the same thing, as I am from 4 kids. Here are some of the tips I learned growing up and being a parent.

1) Buy things second hand: I already posted on this but I feel the need to drive it home! You do not need to buy things new. Scooters and bikes can be spray painted, toys cleaned and clothes mended, bleached and made to look new!

2) Buy quality! My favorite brand names for kids are GAP and Old Navy. Followed closely by Osh Kosh and Sears. These clothes last forever and if you have several kids save stuff in sealed plastic totes for the next kid! Teach kids to take care of their stuff, have stain removers and bleach for colors close at hand, try and look over their things as you do the laundry to make sure that you are catching things. I bought a pile of baby gap clothes from a kid's swap meet a couple years ago 20 dollars for a pile. They lasted me through 3 boys!

3) Dollar Store it Up!!!! All craft and art supplies come from the dollar store at my house. Crayons to glue! I spend a lot of money in dollar stores but get a lot of great stuff there.

4) Think practically! Do kids really need tons of toys or do you need them to have it? This year for Christmas each child has 4 present. 1 to watch, 1 to wear, 1 to play with and 1 they need. Do I feel that they are hard done by? NO! They are spoiled! We have food and a warm house, choose to teach your kid's to appreciate their lives!

5) Buy Bulk! I always buy bulk if I can. I buy large packages of meat, bulk bins and no name brand stuff. Kids eat what they are fed,if they choose to be picky they choose not to eat. It amazes me how many times my kid's have told me they don't like something, are told to put their plate of food in the fridge and later on are eating it instead of going to bed hungry. I never force food on them, I just want them to realize that waste is not acceptable.

6)Shoes, boots and coats are a major expense and I do not always find that you can buy these things second hand. I have recently fallen in love with Superstore and their Joe line for kids. I always purchase coats and boots with room to grow, in colors that are gender neutral.

7) Start saving now. Things like education are a big deal, I have been saving for each of my kid's since they were born. The money comes out every month and I don't even notice it. It isn't a lot of money but it is enough to get them started.

8) Spend time with them. Kids do not care about stuff as much as they do spending time with you. Jake and I jog every morning, we watch Dr.Phil every afternoon, Liam and I play dinosaurs and Avery and I have tea before bed. These are all FREE! They look forward to it, ask me about it and plan their little days around their Mommy time! They will never remember all the toys that you bought or expensive lessons they were in or even the types of shoes they wore, but they will remember the love and time you spent getting to know each of them.

The Truth About Money.

2008-12-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

Money is the number one cause of marriages falling apart. It is responsible for suicides, depression, and stress and the holidays can make it worse! I have many friends who are facing financial hardship due to the economy and I know many people who are facing financial hardship because of bad decision making. Here are some things I do not understand.

1) Why are people so afraid to buy things second hand? I cannot figure this out! My Mom taught me that second-hand stuff is dirty and used, the first time I walked into a Value Village I was so ashamed, but after looking around for awhile I came to realize that this was some nice stuff! I walked out with new jeans, new shirts, some dress pants for $30 ! That is money well spent. I also go to flea markets and swap meets, you can negotiate your price and get amazing deal! Look for furniture on Craig's List or E Bay. Post your own ad asking if anyone has what you are looking for.

2) Why do people eat out so often? This I cannot understand! Restaurants are charging you to sit in their chairs and use their electricity and heat. You already pay for this at home! Go to the store and buy the amazing food you want to eat and eat it at home! You are paying one-tenth of the price! Fast-food should be banned from the Earth! This is empty-calorie, non-nutrient FILLER! Do not eat it, save yourself money and stay thin, pack your lunch. Make bigger meals and use the leftovers as lunch. If you can't heat things up use pitas, yummy buns with fresh ingredients and meats. Save money!

3) Why are you paying for conveniences? There is time to do things if you plan! Rather than paying insane prices for stuff like pre-sliced lunch meat, make a ham for dinner and slice it for sandwiches that week. When you make chili make a double batch and freeze it, when you don't want to cook and are thinking about ordering an expensive pizza pull out your chili! Don't buy single serving foods, if you want to make single servings do it yourself! That way you are not paying for the packaging!

4) Since when do kids need ipods, cellphones, name brand clothes??? They don't. Simple. When they want something amazing like that they should buy it! I baby-sat, worked part time and understood by 13 that money is a hard earned commodity! Christmas and birthdays have turned into gong-shows! Ridiculous! Be a parent and tell your kids the truth, you don't need it. Money is tight, learn to figure out a way to get it if you want it.

5) Why the heck do kids need to be in tons of extra stuff? I do not allow my kids to take thousand of dollars of lessons. I let them take swimming and 1 other thing per season. There are 3 of them and that gets expensive! Not to mention the driving around and time. This is an enormous waste of time and money. Kids are in school ALL day! They need time to unwind and be kids, not swept away to the next over-structured event. They would rather spend time with you! If they are keen to dance or do karate, ask for help! This is a great way for Grandparents to get involved, rather than MORE toys ask them to contribute.

6)Why do we need 2 of everything? 2 cars, 2 cell phones, 2 ipods, 2 mp3 players, 2 TVs ..... The list goes on and on. We are a generation of things in pairs! Why do we have this insane need to have 2 of stuff? When did we forget how to share?

7) Why do we not ask for help? Chat with people around you, see if you can swap kid's clothes or even your own clothes! Always potluck, why do you have to buy everything in order for people to come over and visit. If there are Moms I know with older kids I make a point of reminding them that hand me downs are welcome!

8) Why is credit card use considered normal? Why is spending someone elses money, that you have to pay to use a good idea? This is CRAZINESS! If you cannot afford it, do not buy it! Credit cards are a good idea to earn credit, not to put yourself in a position you cannot afford. You should have a credit card you use and pay off the balance monthly and a credit card you use for emergencies. Using it for things like trips or furniture may be necessary but always factor in the fact that you cannot let that balance ride indefinitely! If you are in credit card debt over your head, CUT UP YOUR CARD!

9) Who the heck goes to Starbucks everyday! This is a HUGE pet peeve for me, especially when I recently had coffee at Starbucks with a friend who wanted me to review her budget. She wants to go back to school and was trying to make a financial plan and needed help. She ordered not once while we were there but TWICE! That is over $11 in beverages! I told her that her addiction to a brand name would stunt her chance at the life she wanted. The whole situation still irritates me!

10) Unnecessary evils. My Mom told me the other day that she has paid her gym $30 per month for the last 4 years and has not been to the gym in 3 and a half! You could have punched me in the face, I would have been less surprised! I learned a lot of money saving tips from my parents growing up and that is just not like my Mom. Turns out she was embarrassed about it. Not that she had gained weight or anything but because she had said she would go and didn't. My question to her was this: "Do you feel better lying to yourself about it?" The crazy thing was she didn't. She felt horrible about wasting the money, although my parents could well afford it, and we cancelled it that day. Sometimes our egos can get in the way of reality.

I am curious about other people's ideas or comments about money, these are merely my own personal observations.

Panic???

2008-12-09T09:15:00.001-08:00

I think I may actually be panicking. I am not sleeping, barely remember to eat and I am so busy I find myself dumping gallons of caffeine into me to stay alert. I have been sick for days and I can't focus. What the hell???? The vacation to Cuba ,as glorious as it was, took me a two weeks to prep for and has put me two weeks behind! I got back to chaos. My plate full again I continue to slog through but there is just so much to do on no sleep and no fuel! I cannot get ahead! I feel so close to tears at every moment.... This is bizarre! I always have a cool head, I always get things done, why is this so different this year!?!

GIRLZ Night...

2008-12-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

Saturday January the 10th. I want to do night of talking, chatting, appies, and venting. I am open for a date change as I have a pretty empty calendar for January. I brought rum from Cuba and I am going to make a few treats, let me know if this works for you gals! Feel free to bring some wine or appies type munchies.

2008-11-16T12:46:00.000-08:00

Why is alone always my solution? Why is it so hard for me to let anyone in? I struggle with the idea of letting others do things, fix things, be there and then I become silently resentful of them not doing things. Why do I have to ask?

Anonymous Sob stories..

2008-11-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

Blogging is a public forum. Anyone can read you, comment, rip you to shreds or validate your emotions. Anyone. There are controls, you can ensure that your blog doesn't allow anonymous comments or that a person have to name themselves.....You all know how it works. So why does there continue to be anonymous commenting sob stories? Write in a book and shove it between you mattresses if you don't want to be called out, better yet don't be a hypocrite that would have the unbelievable audacity to call people names and have a tantrum about the mean things that people say when they are anonymous. You did the same thing! Do you think that you cannot be traced? Do you not know how to use a stat counter and watch as your number works it's way through my blog daily? I understand you are upset, people do say mean things when they are anonymous but that didn't seem to bother you when it was you doing it. I distinctly remember you dishing it up, I would ask for some salt because I hear crow is pretty hard to swallow.

A Surprising Turn.

2008-11-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

I give credit where credit is due. 2 years ago I was going through a divorce and had some pretty harsh things said to me here on this blog. As non constructive as some of those comments were, I never stopped blogging, I feel the good, the bad and the ugly is all important. One of my critics recently began commenting again, I track people on the stat counter, I knew she had been reading. This was the first comment. I let it go and let it go, then out of sheer curiosity I followed her path to her own blog and read it. I commented, I hope it was constructive, and awaited the lashing reply. Instead I received an apology. Shock isn't a big enough word. This was not what I expected. I wasn't trying to start chaos but I was interested to know what place in her life had allowed her to come back and say something to me, what changed? Was it the fact that she had assumed a new identity? Thought that I wouldn't know it was her? Unknown the motivation, but I appreciate the apology, I believe it to be sincere, and I welcome all comments here.

Time to shake things up a bit.

2008-11-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

I have decided to split my own personality. I want to blog more about the things that are happening with my kids and their issues and I don't feel that all of that belongs here. Here I want to be Steph. My new blog My Kid's Mom will be where I blog about their diets and their success and failures. Both are open and I would love it if you all would read both, but do not feel any obligation if either bore you to tears! The link will not post, so to see my new blog check out my profile and get the link from there. As always I am in your debt for the continued support.

Day 11

2008-11-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

The headaches have passed, the cravings have passed, the recognition of the change has been accepted. They are believers! Liam's eyes are in full sparkle mode, like I have never seen! He came home from school at noon with a fever, this is a typical thing for Liam any little bug hits him hard! He had a nap and woke up fine. Amazing! A temperature is usually three days of Advil and Tylenol to control or he sky rockets to 104 so quickly. The vitamins are doing their job, his digestion is finally being allowed to do it's job. His immunity is kicking in. His mind is clear. This morning on the way to school he understood a joke I told and laughed! I told him you could tell winter was coming because the trees get "naked" as the leaves fall off! I expected him to say," Mom trees cannot be naked, they don't wear clothes!" In his don't be so dumb voice. Instead he laughed out loud and replied " naked...HA HA HA (actual laughter) that's a good one Mom!" I almost drove off the road! Jake has had improvements but none as drastic as Liam. I can understand that out of the two of them Liam was more symptomatic with his emotions out of control and his surly attitude. Jake has always been the even-keel kid and it will take longer to see the changes in him. I have noticed an improvement in the memory though, little things not slipping by him. It is a nice change. Right now I am researching recipes for cookies and treats that the kids can have, I also need to figure out how to get all the fats that they need into them without dairy. It is a learning process, one that I have no issue pushing on with now that I have seen such miraculous results!

Day 10 and counting...

2008-11-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

The changes are nothing short of astronomical, I am in complete awe. Jake's dark circles under his eyes, that I always attributed to lack of sleep, are all but gone. He has gone from 3 hours of homework a night to one hour. His sleep has improved and his mind is clearer. Liam's eyes have a small sparkle and he kissed me good night last night. He has asked for a hug twice in the last two days. In addition to that we have successfully gone sugar-free, dairy-free and are now almost gluten-free, which is the hardest to eliminate. For Halloween I gave them presents instead of trick or treating which they loved and they wore their costumes to answer the door. Their Dad picked them up and took them out for awhile and let them eat candy, it was Friday and after 5pm so he dealt with the craziness and they had burnt all of it off by the time they got home on Sunday. I'll admit it has not been an easy journey. There is gluten, sugar, and dairy in 75% of the foods we eat. I can openly admit that the diet is challenging and difficult but it is working, 10 days in and we have progress. I can push another few days and then we can start to re introduce foods.

2008-10-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

1.What color is your toothbrush? White

2.Name one person that made you smile today. Jonathan

3.What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? Getting kids ready for school.

4.What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Writing a board report

5.What is your favorite candy? Jelly bellys

6.Have you ever been to a strip club? Yup

7.What is the last thing you said out loud? "Okay talk to ya' later!"

8.What is the best ice cream flavor? not a big fan but I like chocolate

9.What was the last thing you had to drink? good old h2o!

10.What is the longest you have gone without sleeping? 24-30 hours, sick kids!

11.Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep? yes

12.Have you bought any new clothing items this week? nope

13.The last sporting event you watched? the last canucks game!

14.What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? white cheddar

15.Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? Melania

16.Ever go camping? ALL the time!

17.Do you take vitamins daily? Yes and lots!

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No

19.Do you have a tan? HELL YEAH!

20.Do you like chinese food over pizza? no way!

21.Do you drink soda with a straw? ALWAYS!

22.What did your last text message say? "Stop. I told you about the appointment, we can do it after!"

23.What are you doing tomorrow? Working.

24. Where is your dad? At work!

25. Look to your left, what do you see? My phone, pics of my kids and a bottle of water.

26.What color is your watch? Silver

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia? Kangaroos!

28. What is your birthstone? Amythest

29.Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? NEVER eat the stuff!

30. Whats your favorite number? 24

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone? Jonathan

32. Any plans today? Get the hell outta here!

33. How many Provinces have you lived in? 1

34. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Being bored and trying to kill time!

35.Last song listened to? Womanizer by Britney spears

36.Can you say the alphabet backwards? Never tried

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Yep, every Friday! I work and have 4 kids okay!

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My black breast cancer Uggs!

39. Are you jealous of anyone? Nope! I have it all! (LOL)

40. Is anyone jealous of you? I think some people are jealous of my organized house but not me personally ,no.

42. Do any of your friends have children? Oh yes.

43. What do you usually do during the day? Work at work....

44. Do you hate anyone you know right now? No, I never hate people. I strongly dislike them.

45.Do you use the word "Hello" daily? Yes

46. What color is your car? Silver

47.Do you like cats? Not particularly.

48. Have you ever been to Six Flags? No

49. How did you get your worst scar? Do stretch marks count?

50. Last cigarette? 10 years at least!

51. Last CD played? Hallowe'en scary tunes!

52. Last bubble bath? Probably 4 years!

53. Last time you cried? Thursday the 23rd

54.Last meal? Shepherd's pie

55. Have you ever dated someone twice? Yes because he was the one!

56.Have you ever kissed someone and regreted it? Yes!!!!

57.Have you ever fallen in love? oh yes!

58.Have you ever lost someone? Not yet I am gearing up though.

59. Have you ever slept until 1 pm? Nope I can honestly say that isn't possible for me!

60. Have you ever been drunk and threw up? Oh yes!

61. List 5 people you can pretty much tell anything to? Jonathan, Kristi, Crystal... That;s it!

62.List 3 favorite colors. Black, White and Red

63.Laughed until you cried? All the time!

64.Went behind your parents back? Yes

65. Your last kiss? this morning before i went to work!

66. Gay marriage? I agree with it and disagree with it.

67.Lowering the drinking age? NO!

68.Straight, Gay or BI? SOOOO Straight

69.Who are the best huggers you know? My KIDS!

70.Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes but I have never experienced it!

71.Is there something you want to tell someone? I would love to tell "someone" to FO!

72. What brand shirt are you wearing? GAP

73. Would you kiss anyone on your friends list? Oh yes!~

Day 5

2008-10-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding like an obsessed crazy person I am continuing my post about the diet. I want to look back and be able to see the journey good or bad. Jake has been a trooper and I can see surreal improvements in him! I completely disagree with anyone who says your body needs empty calories which is what sugar equates too( sorry K!) . Empty, meaningless calories, which in a normal body/brain translate themselves into fat. In a toxic brain/body sugar translates itself into crazy as I found out today. We have half a box of corn pops left from our Pre-diet days. This morning after much conversation with Liam I let him have one bowl. I could not believe the results, he went from completely coherent to an emotional basket case in one hour. He sobbed and cried and begged me to allow him to stay home from school because of the pounding headache he had. Jake would have nothing to do with the sugary cereal and opted for the 2 poached eggs and flax rice bread with a big glass of water and his supplements for breakfast. I wanted Liam to feel the difference to ease the constant fight I have with him to stay on the diet but the sugar would not allow such a conversation. He was like a caged animal. I started him on water forcing him to try and flush the toxins out, the water didn't help he would have to let it run its course. By the time it was time for school he was exhausted and he was falling asleep in the car. Jake was wide-eyed the whole way to school, shocked by how hard the onslaught of sugar hit Liam. This has only strengthened my resolve. People's bodies are all different, some kids just cannot have the empty nutrient-free foods that others can. My boys are symptomatic so it is easy to see what these harmful toxins do to them, easy for them to see what it will do to each other. If you look dollar for dollar at what you buy that is not good for you or your kids and replace it with the food you are not spending much more money. If you are buying both you are not only defeating the purpose but you are spending way to much money. Obviously restaurants and take out food are permanently out of our menu so that can save money. The point is I am not trying to convince anyone that this is the only way to eat. I don't think a lot of people could do this. I have to read every package and know the ingredients of every purchase. What I am saying is that sometimes there are reasons for things happening that we cannot see. Sometimes there are issues below the surface that need to be explored. I would rather eat like this the rest of my life than medicate my children in a way that would change them from the amazing people they are. This, for me, is not an acceptable option. For our family they are more important than sugar or bread or the fight to I have daily to keep them away from those things.

The Headache Diet.

2008-10-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

I am not a dieter. I am very blessed in how quickly my body uses the food I eat and even more blessed with a palate that prefers fruits and veggies, whole grains and lean meats. I run everyday and I am very busy. I am not a calorie/points/fat content counter. I just eat food. Until Sunday. That is when I put my family on the headache diet. NO dairy, NO gluten, NO sugar, NO processed food, No fried food, NO food coloring, NO yellow food. This diet is the purest form of calories you can find. It is the hardest types of food to find and buy and the most expensive. Why do you ask am I doing this? Why am I putting my family through sugar withdrawals, denying them junk food and making us all headachey and a little sick even. The reason is simple, I believe that my children are predisposed to Autism Spectrum disorder. I have one child who is diagnosed and one who is on his way. My last parent teacher conference was a disaster. Jake is difficult to handle , he is always moving, he cannot concentrate, he is failing and he needs to be on medication. Although this one was easier to take because I know all of these things about my son, the medication part hit me pretty hard.Medicate him? Is my golden boy so difficult to handle that you think he needs to be drugged to deal with him? What am I doing wrong here? How can I have 2 kids with behavior disorders? What is the link? I could only think of one. Food. I spent the next three days in full Steph-OCD mode. Researching and reading looking under every rock, searching for an answer. There is hope. I believe that my genetics have predisposed my kids to the 4A's. Autism. ADHD, Allergies and Asthma. We as a society have traded the epidemics of polio, measles, mumps and rubella for the 4A's. It is our new epidemic. How have we done this? Vaccines. We have injected heavy metals into our children and those who have a predisposition are becoming regressive autistics. The argument that I have Always believed is that people are just being diagnosed better and we know more about these disorders. That my friends is a lie. The greater good is eliminating Polio and the other childhood plagues that would wipe out hundreds of children at a time. The greater good is to sacrifice a few for the many and know that the children with autism are sacrificing for the power of the almighty vaccine. This is not good enough, not good enough at all! We are no longer looking at a few for the many this country is facing epidemics of unbelievable proportions! Look at the numbers! My research has told me that in the communities where vaccines are not given to children, due to religious points of view, the autism rates have not gone up at all! Do they still have cases? Yes, but these are 1 in every 10 000. Theses children exhibited symptoms of the disorder at birth and through babyhood. The children in our communities are not displaying any signs until after they have their Mmr shot. Another fact is most kids with Autism have gut issues. Measles is a disease that attacks the gut and can hide out there wreaking havoc on the stomach and intestines. Our children have a diagnosed rate of 1 in every 155! Is that number going down? No. These children will live on our medical system for the rest of their lives sucking tax dollars out with them, unlike the victims of polio who passed away. So the cycle begins with the vaccines, these vaccines contain a derivative of mercury in them that preserves the live virus. The child's natural healing process is stunted, they cannot flush toxins from their bodies because these toxins attack their brains, they cannot digest the nutrients from food because the virus is in their gut disabling it from working properly. Their immunity begins to plummet and with that comes infections. Liam had reoccurring ear infections for years and with every one I gave him the antibiotic that was prescribed for it. This antibiotic in a suppressed immune system wipes out everything. According to several books I have read the antibiotic kills everything in it's wake and leaves the child completely open and vulnerable to more infection which in turn gets another , stronger antibiotic and this does more damage to the immune system. Now you are left with a child who has no way of digesting certain foods to receive their nutrients, no way to flush toxins that are being created in his body out, a sore belly, and usually unreal diarrhea. At 18 months there is almost no language and if there is the brain has pushed this bewildered baby into flight or fight response. Their fear and anxiety sky rockets, they don't feel well, their bodies betrayed them. I cannot imagine the horror of waking up to the realization that you are trapped in your own body. They are in there, behind the pain, the toxins, the screaming, the frustration, the fear. They are in there! I have been so blessed that I was actually doing a lot of this on my own. My kids eat tons of vegetables and fruits, they do not get a lot of junk because when they were young I really couldn't afford healthy food and junk food, so healthy food won. I have never been into convenience foods and prefer to make things from scratch. With the changes in my life I have become lazy and with that laziness has come the consequences. These powerful words of medication and out of control. I started on Sunday. I told them what was happening and that it was not optional, we would have treats on specific days at specific times but other than that we were going cold turkey. I put Jake on supplements immediately and took him off of everything. Liam I eased in as he is very set in his ways and will need more convincing but I already see improvement! On Day 3 Jake had a huge not in his book that said "Great Day!" He had 50% of his homework done in class! Rather than the usual nothing done! He understood the math concept and could do the work unsupervised. His fidgeting at home has diminished substantially. Today we are experiencing withdrawals. The pounding head ache, sore neck and shoulder, very tired , very bitchy feeling. Our bodies are unsure of what is going on here. Where is the fuel? How can I run on this? There is no immediate gratification, the body has to work harder to understand where to put all of this clean burning stuff! Liam is having the hardest time, I have tried to explain to him how much better he will feel, he thinks he is getting punished and doesn't understand. I am hoping to have him tested for heavy metals, and yeast build up. After we have survive the first couple of weeks of this. I believe this is best for my kids and although I don't need to I am following the diet right along with them. We are a team, we have beat autism together and now we will beat ADHD!

"Life is hard highness, anyone that tells you differently is selling something!

2008-10-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

It always come up from behind me. Quietly watching, waiting for the moment when I truly believe that I am safe then with the swift expertise of an experienced hunter fate swoops in and I find myself once again thrown into powerful turmoil. I find myself waiting for the unhappiness to creep in, waiting for the familiar feelings of anxiety and turmoil to fill my gut with a twisting sensation that mocks me. It is a taste I can never fully make disappear from my palate, the taste of intense disappointment, the taste of shame. I wonder if I have truly brought this on myself, days of waste. Months of heartbreak. Years of hiding. Now I am to be the lead in my own nightmare, cracked open and put on display for others to learn from. My experiences analysed and lists of "what not to do" created from them. I am a perfectionist without perfection. Does this not make me homeless? Definitionless? How do I translate the things that happen to me into words that I can understand. Where is my justice? How do I do everything right only to have the results so flawed? It saddens me in a way I cannot describe, and even if I could I wonder if others would understand. The shattering result is inexplicable and unattainable. I know this and yet I find myself searching for solutions, asking for tasks, begging for the answers. There are not any. I am once again tossed into a world that I do not understand, learning the new language and customs of a people I have never met.

Money Blues...

2008-10-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

Money is the single most stressful thing in any person's life. I have had times when I don't have any and I have had times where I am in a great place! These are some of the lessons I have learned.

* Coffee shops are the biggest splurge ever! Starbucks should be kept to an absolute minimum if at all! Most people cannot afford a coffee that costs $5 per day. If you do the math on this, $5/day is $35 / week which is $140/ month. Good Lord! what else could you be doing with this income! In one months worth of Starbucks visits you could buy the espresso/cappuccino maker and make these drinks at home saving you $1680/year!

*Shop second hand! I cannot understand for the life of me why more people do not do this. I cannot justify spending loads of money on kid's clothes, so I buy second hand as often as I can. Value Village is one of my favs, as they have a great system for washing stuff. My kids look awesome and for ALL their school clothes (4 kids including my step son) we spent $300. I have a few exceptions that I will not do second hand, those are: undies and socks,no holes and no stains. I also love flea markets. There is not one piece of furniture in my house that I bought brand new unless it was from IKEA. Even then it was because I searched out second hand options to no avail.

* Do NOT use credit cards! This statement needs clarification because I know people need to use credit cards, but do not rely on these as a way to have things you cannot afford. This is so bad for you! You do not have the money, you cannot have the object. Don't fool yourself into believing that you can have things that are outside your means because you have a card. The card is called VISA not ENTITLED.

*Do NOT fall for have now, pay later schemes. They are brutal! I have only ever run across 1 that was legit and that was from Best Buy. They let me buy a Mac book and pay for it equally over the next 24 months interest free. Beware and read the small print, the interest from the moment of purchase is all tacked on should you not pay by the deadline. In my case I doubled the minimum into my budget and paid it off in half the time.

*Spend a lot of time looking before buying large purchases. Cars for example should be well investigated before purchasing. Look for great leases as an option, buy if you'd prefer. Work the bank for the lowest interest rate possible and then use it against the next bank. You are the customer, they need to be making things better for you to get your business!

* Pay yourself first. Put the first hour of your pay into a high interest savings account every pay cheque. ING has an amazing return for your money. This ensures you always have an emergency chunk of money.

*DO NOT use payday loans! These loans are insane with how much they charge you in interest. It is not an option, forget those stores exist!

*Use coupons. I sit and read through each and every flier that comes to our door. If there is something we use or is going on sale I buy it. Sometimes a lot of it. For example my kids love juice boxes and they are expensive, last weekend at Superstore they had a huge clearance of Veggie and Fruit juice boxes on for $1.25 for 5. This works out to $0.25 each. I bought a case and put it in the freezer.

*Menu Plan. This can be tricky because you have to balance what is on sale with what is healthy. I always go with the latter, if I have to choose between health and cheap.... Healthy always wins! That being said, menu planning can save you a ton of money and time. I sit down with my paperwork on Saturday morning over tea, I plan our weeks meals and lunches and I make a list. I have already collected coupons over the week so those get clipped on the back of the list, and incorporated into the menu. Then I go grocery shopping and follow the list. I ingredients shop, not brand name shop. For example I buy no name canned spaghetti sauce and add all the extras like garlic cloves, spices and chunks of green peppers and mushrooms to it. This saves me almost a dollar a jar as brand name sauces are almost $2 compared to my $0.99 can of sauce. Compare that too the fact that I always buy prepackaged lean ground beef meatballs to go in that sauce. Prepackaged is $7.99 compare that to Lean ground beef which I could make into meatballs for $5.99 costing me $2. The reason? I balance the cost of things with the cost of my time. With the prepackaged meatballs I throw them on a tray and toss them in the oven and go spend time with my kids. With the sauce it take no more time to dump a bunch of spices into a pot with the sauce. It is all about balance.

*Eat less! Sincerely. I put the smallest amounts of food on my kids plates. I have the IKEA little plates and they are not even half full. When they eat that I give them more. This not only saves us from chucking it out , it teaches them to listen to their bodies and not the age-old lecture we all heard about eating what is on your plate.

*Have a light checker. every morning before we walk out of the house it is one of my children's chores (this rotates every week) to walk around and turn off lights. I make sure the heat and the fans are all off. Things are all unplugged and the house is quiet. TVs, radios and heat are not necessary when no one is home to watch/listen to them. Therefore a huge waste of money.

*Prepackage. I always buy bulk and prepackage things myself. Rather than fruit snacks that come prepackaged I buy sugar-free gummy bears and put them into snack bags. This saves us Over three dollars a shop! Same with cookies and anything that you may find more convenient to buy prepackaged. If you buy bulk or bake and then prepackage as you go it is convenient and cheap!

* Limit children's activities. This is a tough one for most parents. We love to give our kid's various opportunities and I agree with that but there is a line. I allow one sport/activity per season per child and swimming lessons. The truth of the matter is there is ways to save even here. Before signing up Liam with T-ball as he had requested I signed him up for T ball through the community center, it was 6 classes for $30 compare that to the $100 for the season. I save $70 as he hated it and I had to fight him to finish the 6! Skating lessons are $30 per month. Instead of that Jonathan has been taking Jaden to the open skate at the local arena for a dollar! Jon can skate and is teaching Jaden. Saving us $22 per month.

* Use the dollar store. I buy a lot of supplies from the dollar store. I think that it is great that there is a cost effective way to buy things like, batteries for toys, Bobbi pins, little girl hair clips etc...Wander through if you have time and try and see if there is anything you could be using from there. I have found amazing deals! Lunch kits for a dollar, snack bags for prepackaging for a dollar, containers for lunch kits for a dollar!

* Label Things! My kids leave their coats everywhere! I now sow or sharpie into all of their coats and the insides of their shoes their name. At least then it has a chance of being returned!

* Have set Budget rules and stick to them! I have such rules as: I never spend more than $10 on a kid I have never met. If Jake has a birthday party with so and so and I don't really know that kid $10. If it is a kid we know well $15 and if it is a close family friend $20. That is it. There is no reason for your hard earned money to go to someone else's kid! I feel the same way if people buy something extravagant for my kids.It is insane! They have loads of toys and they wanted your child here to play with, not for some loot! You can find things on sale, once I was in Toys R Us for a work related shop and I found these cool Bionics that kid's Jake's age love for half price! I bought 5 and those are the toys he is giving at the birthday parties he is invited to this year.

*PLAN your money. Jonathan and I sit down every 2 weeks (payday)and plan our money. What is coming up, What our goals are, what we feel is important to our family. I am very lucky as Jonathan is great with money and is easy to talk to about things that we need versus things that we want and good at compromise. He also has expensive hobbies like hockey and ball. Knowing that those things are important to him he is willing to compromise in other places. I love to shop and my job requires me to dress well. We factor that into our plans and talk about what would make us both happy.

* Make the most of your trips. Try and hit things that are close together. Last Saturday we did our weekly shopping trip but we also had several other stops to make. Rather than go to one town we went the other direction which had all these stores and stops closer together.

* Use cash. This is such flawless advice, every financial advisor would tell you if you are struggling with your money. Use cash. Cash is harder to part with, you have no back up if you over spend and there is no interest on it.

*Sell stuff. When you are done with something. Sell it. I did a huge garage sale before I moved and made $300! I then had a great budget to redecorate the kids rooms in our new house.

* Re-use your own stuff. I had two IKEA shelves in my laundry room in my old house. One is now red and in Jake's room for his toys and one is now stained a rich brown in Liam's room for his toys! Try your best to re-use the things that you already have before getting rid of it.

*Use the Internet. I have made chore charts, reward charts, party ideas, calendars all for free off the web! If you are paying for Internet you can save a lot of money by using it for free stuff!

*Get organized! I have a very full life, I don't know very many people with the schedule I maintain. I do this by staying organized. My bills are paid on time, Liam's paperwork is done and I have time to do the things I like to do because I stay on schedule. Money management is reflected in the way we organize our lives. Even if you don't have a lot of money I would guarantee you it would go farther if you got organized. Plan things out. Have a calender and a meal chart, a chore chart and a bill chart. Keep them up to date. Know where your money goes.

I hope that this wasn't insanely long and boring but I really believe that people's lives would be fuller and less stressful if organization was put into play daily.

A Question Of Censorship

2008-10-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

"Let me take a look at that..." I instinctively closed the laptop."Why?" " I don't know, I am curious. Why can't I look at it?" It was a difficult question to answer. Why can't my boyfriend, whom I have started a life with, moved in with, love with every bit of me, see my blog? I searched myself, coming up with nothing but uncomfortable silence, I avoided looking at him. "I don't want you to?" I phrased it like a question because I was asking him. Can I not want him to look at my blog? Is that reasonable? Are we in a place where my documented life can be shared? "Honey, if you don't have a good reason you can just say you don't. I respect that you don't necessarily want to share it. I was just wondering why." It rang true. I didn't really have a reason but the fact that this little piece of space is mine. I can write with anger, sadness, calculated bitchiness and it virtually goes without consequence. Mainly because I don't care what others opinions are out there, you comment and I take it with a grain of salt. His opinion matters. It is of huge consequence to me for him to read it and misinterpret something or question why I would take a stance on one side or the other on a subject. Most of my writing is analytical, not personal. I have a subject and I write a piece on it based upon how I feel about said subject, for no other reason than I want to. There is personal things wound into that but for the most part I write on a subject. I digress to the question, Why can he not see it? Why does someone who knows me so intimately be not welcome in any space in my life? Why am I hesitating? He knows all my secrets all the stuff that makes me who I am... Would I censor my writing? Would I change the feel of my blog? I am unsure what cord that this question has struck in me.

Freedom of Speech in it's Ignorant Glory.

2008-10-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

“There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can’t compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks…. to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of their junior morons. I don’t give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you - yer kid is NOT autistic. He’s just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.”
......................................................................................................................................................................

This is an excerpt from Denis Leary's new book. It is a comedic view of children with special needs. I fail to see the humor. I cannot figure out which part is supposed to be funny. The part where he ridicules children for not having a properly developed brain or the part where he accuses the parents of lying about it to cover their bad parenting. I should feel outraged by this,the truth is I am not surprised. I deal with this kind of ignorance on a daily basis. Liam, my autistic 6 year old, is odd. He always has been. He is not like other kids, he prefers to play by himself, has no developed idea of hurting people's feelings,will be hyper emotional or emotionless, freaks out if things are upset by others, does not like to participate in group activities, knows he is different. He is called a weirdo, a little freak, and crazy. This is progress. From ages 2 until 4 he was inconsolable some days,manic others, refused to have his teeth brushed and would scream until he blacked out, smeared shit on his bedroom walls, was not potty trained until 4, could not look at people's faces, would curl up in a ball and cry for hours. Had no language but animal screams and grunts. He was exhausting and unbearable. He was called freak, crazy, beyond help, never going to get better. I put my life on hold for 2 years and worked with the people who were helping Liam. Interventionists, therapists, doctors... The list goes on and on. Every aspect of my life including my health and marriage crumbled around me. I focused on my son and his accomplishments. Rocked him through his hard times, praised him through the good, grasped every baby step of progress with both hands and prayed. I prayed until I wept most nights for the return of my little boy who was seemingly trapped inside of his own world. He worked hard to free himself, tantrums through frustrations, fought back against being normal. We pulled him through kicking and screaming but he is here among us, in the normal world. He visits his other world, I can see the change when he wakes up in the morning. The scowl is his trait of this other world I have never been too and No is the national language. We fight past it together and know that every day he is getting closer. He is a genius. He reads at a grade 4 level, he is in grade 1. He researches dinosaurs and prehistoric beasts, they cannot keep enough school work in front of him. He easily masters new concepts, even understood things like silent letters and math equations before they are explained to him. He has a lot of friends, a vivid imagination, loves to play games... Until his monster rears his ugly head and he regresses for awhile. We have all learned to speak gently to coax Liam from within the monster's grasp. He comes back to us with the same intensity he left. Obviously Denis Leary has never had the experience of a child who is not normal, if he had this book wouldn't exist, never heard the soul crushing words of your child's life sentence. Never had a big brother punch a kid's face in for calling his brother a freak, never had to clean shit off of his walls, never had to watch as his child blacked out from fear, never held a child so upset that their wracking sobs couldn't be stopped. Maybe I am an incompetent parent, but I will tell you now, raising Liam has not only been my life's mission it has been my cross to bear. Being Liam I can only imagine how difficult everyday life is for him. Again Mr Leary, I cannot see which part of this life rang funny with you? The part where these kids struggle daily to keep their heads above water or the parents who would pay any amount of money to see their child become normal? The entertaining part of this story isn't in the story itself but in the feeble attempt of the author to speak with any authority on a subject he knows nothing about. I suppose that this could be the way to get you failed career back on track but I would prefer if you did that on your own Mr. Leary rather than use my child to make yourself feel better. I don't know Denis Leary, I don't really care to know him, but I would extend an invitation to him to spend time with Liam, or any child with autism, and after that decide if this is a conspiracy to have our "idiot" children diagnosed to make our lives easier. It has been my experience that the diagnosis makes things a lot harder. It is inevitable that people fear things they cannot understand and I do not expect everyone to know and understand the world of the autistic child. I would expect that in this day and age of tolerance and understanding that at very least if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. This book will be your downfall sir, nobody wants to hear a middle aged man spew hate and intolerance. We are better than that. We are better than your lies. We are better than you.

SUPER BITCH!

2008-10-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

I cannot say who this person is or how I know them. I am struggling with a super bitch. For those who need a definition.

Bitch: a woman who knows what they want and goes after it.

Total Bitch: a woman who knows what they want and goes after it even if it hurts others emotionally/ financially or otherwise.

Cold Bitch: a woman who knows what she wants and goes after someone elses just to see if she can get it.

SUPER BITCH: this woman has no direction she is usually bitter and issue ridden and takes it out on everyone around them, except a few who she must keep up apperances for as she works/lives/is married to/ needs money from them.

Can you feel my pain? I have never MET a person like this let alone had to deal with them, and no K it is not my sister in law she is more of a cold bitch type. I am lost. I have tried: super nice, super patient, super quiet, ignore her, involve other people who may be able to help. NOTHING IS WORKING! *****SIGH*****

Wangers!

2008-09-24T11:40:00.001-07:00

In a word... wangers! I have not heard from anyone who can absolutely come to MILF night on Friday! We planned this a month ago but apparently...Everyone is busy. I get it, I am busy too. I have a partner, 4 kids, a full time job and several boards,commitees and projects I am involved in. I also run a support group for moms with special needs kids and have a social life. It just sucks that I took the time to carve that space out of my life and it wasn't reciprocated. This is not a guilt trip, You guys are busy, I totally understand. What this is is a wake up call. If you can't carve a night out for your friends, to spend time venting about your life, you are too busy. Simple as that. You are too busy with other people's schedules and demands. Are you living your best life? Do you enjoy each and every commitment that you have? Besides the demands of a career, which I am fully aware of, are you spending too much time not being you? I refuse to believe that this night was not possible. I believe it wasn't important. Not me, this is not personal, the night. The night was not important because it was about you, not your husband/boyfriend, not your kids, it was about you. The fact that you are not important to yourself should be startling.

"Am I to risk my Life to win the chance to live?"

2008-09-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie/show of all time is The Phantom Of The Opera. It is the story of a young girl who was orphaned and goes to an opera house to study ballet. The phantom, a masked figure who lives under the house takes her under his wing and schools her in song. Once she is older and mature he begins to kill people in order to get her different roles. It is a romantic twisted dark classic in which the protagonist is to choose between the man she loves and her "family". In her case her family is the twisted soul a scarred mad man who kills people. In mine, it is the constant judgement of a family who has decided that my sister in law's detest for me is apparently acceptable and continues to press on as if nothing has ever happened. Reeling from the defeat of my marriage, which apparently they all took quite personally, I have become the outsider. The once favored child who obediently did what she was told decided to have an original thought. I am now rewarded for that with a cheque for 500 dollars a month in which they buy my silence. Silently asking me not to rock the boat any further. Silently begging me to please hold my tongue and not unleash the wrath that is building inside of me. They think they know me so well. I have in fact no anger for them. I have taken the cheque and put it into a high interest savings account. They are not buying my silence but they are paying for my happiness and freedom. What they consider to be an act of generosity I am accepting as such. The reality is starting to knock. I am in love, I am happy, I feel whole. I clawed my way back. We have had our issues, our mountains to climb and our crosses to bear. Yet each and every time I look up he is still there. I have pushed as hard as I can. Said whatever came to mind and he loved me through it. I have been frustrated, angry, manic and depressive. I tore myself from the umbilical cord and pushed for a life of my own. He supported me any way he knew how. Sometimes that involved carrying me out of bars. Sometimes just hearing me scream, sometimes holding me while I cried. Lord I cried! He found me when I was lost, he forgave me when I wronged him, he made me forgive myself. He loves me effortlessly. So while they ask me to take my feelings outside I smile softly and think of how I have someone to share it with when I go home.

MILF Night

2008-09-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

MILF Night: September the 26th at 8pm. Bring an appie, bring wine or bring nothing. Just make sure you are there. If you cannot make it that is fine, K and I are going to meet at my house anyway.

The slope is so slippery.

2008-08-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

The slope is so very slippery. When is enough, enough? Why is it I get it in my head that tonight I am going to get loaded and no one is going to stop me. I just won't stop.I get reminded of the last mess I caused or that I don't need to be that wild this time and it eggs me on. I feel how nervous people are. Am I going to make a scene? It makes me drink more to try and prove I can handle it and I never can. It can never be 1 or 2 it has to be more. I feel myself start to go. I try and keep it light, it always gets ugly. The sad thing is I can go for weeks, a month without having a single drink. Then it gets into my head that I need to get drunk. Need to forget for awhile. I leave a path of destruction in my wake. I need to stop now. Before I am that person who pours vodka in my OJ to get going in the morning to be normal. I obviously struggle.I obviously can't handle it. I need to go puke.

The Biggest Hoax of the Modern World. warning highly controversial topic

2008-08-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

The Greatest Hoax ever accomplished in the modern world is feminism. I can actually hear some of you shake your head as you read that, especially those who know me personally. I am independent, self supporting, head strong but I am not a feminist. I think the fact that this concept has been fed to us and we have swallowed it is the reason that we are referred to as " the weaker sex". This concept it so diluted and out of place in the modern world. The fact of the matter is that woman can have children, that is a pretty major difference from our non-child bearing counter parts. I am in no way stating women should be at home popping out kids, but I digress and will come back to that. Feminism is no doubt a concept come up with by men. One day a man gets out of bed to go to work at the crack of dawn and looks over at his sleeping wife. Said man thinks to himself how nice it would be if he could " sleep in" bearing no thought in mind at how said woman was up with their teething child and actually has just gotten back into bed. The fact of the matter is we are now doing both. We are working and we are mothering and quite honestly there isn't enough time to do both! The working mom deals with the guilt of missing out on all of their kids activities and firsts and the stay at home mom deals with the guilt of not being able to provide the material things that the working mom can. We are screwed. Our kids are growing up with things, not parents. Most of us are too tired to do more than the basics and we flood our kids with stuff to make them feel better. I wonder how many working dads feel bad they miss assemblies and performances? How many dads stay up until 2 am making cookies so their kids have homemade stuff in their lunches? How many Dad's cry as they leave their kid's at daycare? They don't and I will tell you why, they are meant to go to work and provide for their families. Women are meant to be at home raising those families! It is no longer possible. The pull is much to strong, and the pressure is to much to bear. We must be good at all things! We must be able to have a career, a spotless house, designer children, the latest clothes, we must we must! This validates and fulfills our souls... Doesn't it? Aren't marriages better now that women feel equal? Aren't children better behaved with " the village" of daycare, grandparents and baby sitters raising them? Don't we feel more rested now that we " take a break" and go to work? Haven't we adjusted well to this concept that falls into the same category as slavery? The men do not do more. They say that they do and there is always the offended exception to the rule but they don't. They all do the same amount. I found a blog of women who can contribute their complaints. Over 10 000 later it is the same theme. Men work and then they relax. Women work and then go to work. So what should we have done differently? What should we have changed? This is where it gets interesting. Women should have taken their role of mother and learned from the countries around us. Places where bringing life into this world is a sacred blessing. Celebrated by everyone! Raising children is an amazing honor why do we not treat it like that? Why do the things always win? Rather than try and become equal by becoming men. Why didn't we embrace the role that our very biology gave us? Grow up go to school, learn, thrive, travel, experience, have kids and stop for awhile. What will we miss? Our very sexuality has betrayed us! We are making mistakes. We are having kids with the wrong guys and becoming single moms, we are making marriage and divorce as optional as fries with your burger! We are having affairs to try and fill the void in our hearts and walking away when it gets tough. We are blowing it! I think that every time I sit in my office and stare at my kids grinning faces staring back at me. Why isn't there more balance? When are we going to stop letting the wool be pulled over our eyes and recognize that we are being fooled. They tell us we are equal, yet we are doing twice the work for half the pay. Explain the equality in that? We are not men. We cannot have sex like men, we cannot go to work and not feel the guilty pull of leaving our kids like men, we cannot spend our lives trying to keep up with men! We have our own set of rules, our own race to run. We do not need permission from anyone but ourselves. Embrace the right to choose our own path. Find your own journey and live your own dream.

The Bucket List

2008-08-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have not seen the movie. I find the concept of creating this list a little morbid, the only reason I am doing it is I just read another blog and it inspired me to think about my own mortality. So here we go...

1.) I would love to have another child. I don't know if I would do this naturally or pull a Bradgelian but I would love to add another kid to "the gaggle."

2.) Go to Scotland. My mom and her family are from Scotland, they immigrated here when she was 12, I think that it would be very cool to see where half my family originated from.

3.) Travel to New York City. This is merely a whim, I have always wanted to see it.

4.) Repair the relationship with my Mom. She took my divorce very hard, I think she was disappointed I didn't feel like I could talk to her. It was a tough transition for all of us but I am slowly mending things at a pace we are both comfortable with.

5.) Leave this world knowing; my kids know how much I love and adore them, my family knows how much I love them, I lived laughed and loved my way through this life!

The 3 minute Tour

2008-08-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am trying to keep up with the changes in my household and family. My ex and I have been keeping the kids for a week on and a week off for the summer. This gives me a full week and then an empty one which I have been keeping full with organizing my house ( see post below) and getting ready for back to school. Last night I did and inventory of my kid's clothes and I am happy to announce that the boys are fine! I have to do the socks, underwear and under tee's shop but other than that they are in good shape! I will buy them some odds and ends. Jake wants a vest and a new hoody and Liam could use a new pair of khakis, they don't need these things though. On the other hand my daughter has out grown EVERYTHING! She totally leveled out for around 9-12 months. She wore the same clothes for 2 summers! Her pants all still fit last fall and so did her skirts. I am thinking that this was because after she was potty trained she had all that diaper room to grow into! Now is a new day and she needs stuff! I still have put her summer dresses out. I think I will get her some leggings and pair them with cardigans. I love those little girl uggs that you can get now, she has a great jean skirt she can wear with tights. I love dressing my Lil' cookie it is so much fun! Any clothing-a-girl tips that you can pass along would be much appreciated as this is my first girl! Liam is heading off into grade 1. I am starting to feel the panic set in. This is so totally unlike me, but then it is Liam and I constantly have to remind myself that he is allowed to be different. I am just in a place where I have to let him figure it out, I have done everything possible to help prepare him and now he has to be given the opportunity to put all that he has learned into action! Letting him go through the normal stages of life without me hovering will better prepare him than holding his hand through everything! I am still nervous but I am a lot more comfortable now than last year. My boy Jake is doing his thing. He is such a good kid! He is such an athlete, it is amazing to watch him. He isn't whiny or difficult just there for his siblings and for me in so many ways. I can't appreciate him enough! My job has been really slow lately.I think once you get into the swing the job starts becoming monotonous. i am hoping that it will get busier in the fall! we have one more camping trip over the long weekend and then we are back to normal. I can't say this was the best summer ever, it was alright... I work so much, I may have to have to slow down.

My new House

2008-08-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

I spent the entire day yesterday in my version of bliss... I was organizing. As the seasons start to shift back to normal I needed to gut and reorganize our pantry. First of all I did an enormous grocery shop then I came home and organized the pantry upstairs, labelled and inventoried. Then I did the downstairs pantry: organized, labelled and inventoried. The fridge downstairs: cleaned, organized, labelled and inventoried and Finally the deep freeze: organized and inventoried... OMG it was so much fun! One of the major issues with having a lot of people to feed is the need for a lot of food. I still menu plan but knowing where all the different stuff is around the house is an issue. So I bought recipe cards and wrote down what is in each place and put the lists in a magnet photo frames on the fridge, that way when I use something I can cross it off! My project last week was developing a system for our files. I had a system and Jonathan had a system but we needed to figure out a joint system. I got a great filing cabinet for free and painted it black to match some of our furniture in the den. I color coded and labelled Household, Steph and Jon, then I did subcategories. That took me an entire afternoon but it was well worth it when we paid bills this week. I also started our active files. This is where the files have to be dealt with: "to do", "to read", "to file". I love this form of organizing because it gives everything a place to be dealt with now and for the long term. Bills go into the to do, notices and paperwork into the To read and bills that we have paid but don't have time to file or things that need to be kept go into the "to file". The working files sit on top of the file cabinet so you can throw stuff in them as you walk in the door. There is also this awesome idea I saw on a organising show to create a kid file. I bought another small standing folder for on top of the filing cabinet, this folder contains the class lists you can never find and the school notices monthly for reference. I also have their daycare schedules and lessons lists. I cannot tell you how much smoother things go when you have everything at your fingertips! I always put everything on our big calendar but having a reference is important. Another huge project was our walk in closet! 2 people who love clothes sharing a closet... This one took some work! We finally figured out how to divy up the hanging space. The closet has a weird built in around a corner so it is kinda like a backwards "L". I also have a large shoe/purse/accessory collection that I had to figure out where to put things. It looks great now everything has a place to live. So this week I need to get my craft room finished. I have really enjoyed this project! The finishing touches are putting my stereo in and hooking it up and organizing my project center that was pretty scattered when I moved. I will then be able to spend the chilly winter nights scrap booking and that will feel so good to catch up finally! I have a wrapping area and card catalogue all done. When I finally put everything in it will look great! I only wish I could paint it and I might just have to before I actually move into it completely. I would also like to put a kiddie area in, somewhere my gaggle can hang out if I am in there and they want to be near me. They also love to do crafts and paint and stickers... They are little artists! The dreaded job that we have to do in our house, the final project, the mother load of organising will be: THE GARAGE!!!! This is not something we haven't tried to figure out before. There is an attic above the garage that we put boards down in order to use it. The big problem is we combined 2 homes into 1. Our house formally belonged to Jonathan's dad. They left a lot of stuff. Not to mention Jonathan's grandparent's things that were placed in the garage after his Grandfather passed away and his Grandmother went into a home. ***sigh*** 3 homes and a condo. 1 garage. Now all the grandparent stuff is sorted and stored, we cut it down quite a bit. Jonathan's dad and stepmom's stuff is all sorted and stored, most of it we got rid of! Now our stuff is the remaining things to go through. Problems: 1) We both love to keep boxes of big purchases like cell phones or cameras. It seems like if there is ever a problem with something you have purchased, if you still have the box they take it back! Storing all of those boxes can be a challenge. 2) Toys. I don't have any but I happen to live with someone who has his fair share of toys. Trying to keep these things in the garage is proving to be interesting! 3) Strollers. I have several. Jogging, folding, a big one for big trips. Where the heck do you put them all! This is not even mentioning the stuff that we actually need to keep in the garage! We have a day scheduled in September for this mammoth project! I am dreading it a little. I know what it is going to take to get it to the standard I need it to be. It will be a huge project even for me! The kid's rooms went very well. They are all organized, decorated and a reflection of their own styles. I did their rooms first as I wanted the move to be as painless as possible. Avery's room is a periwinkle color, all her furniture is white and she has a red and white twall comforter. I love how feminin it looks without being pink! Liam's room has a jungle theme. I painted his walls a very bright green, his furniture is pine stained dark like a tree. I wove leaves throughout the room, and hung picture of animals, wood cut outs of animals and his own portraits of animals around the room. He has a shelf for his beanie baby collection and a shelf for his animal books. Jake ended up picking his own paint color. He picked the color of our old living room which I think he finds comforting. I painted the top half the "dapper tan" and the bottom half of one wall in a chalk board paint. Jake loves sports and music so he has his guitars hung up around the room and a shelf for all of his equipment. Jaden's room is our last one and we have yet to paint it. We are waiting to pick out a comforter and furniture for his room once he is in a bed. I would like to paint it blue since the other boys in the house totally groaned at the idea of a blue room. I may have over done the blue for boys thing when they were little! I have to say that organizing our new home was a challenge. I would say we are 85% there, a little bit every day has made it the house of my dreams and I love living there!

The MILF Club.

2008-08-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am proposing to form a MILF club. (MILF as the inside joke to my Madisons girls) I am watching a few of my blogging friends start to deal with some major things, I think it is time to bring this into the real world. Some may call this a support group, some may call this a waste of time. I think this may be the most important thing for women. Once a month, I am willing to hostess and organize, we will meet to discuss our lives. Our struggles, our issues our relationships, whatever we want to talk about. It is not going to the bar, it is not partying, it is real time with other women to talk and share and vent and cry if necessary. It is no judgement understanding discussion. I would like to formally invite you ladies to do this with me. Comment how you feel about the idea. This may be the best idea or the most intimidating one. I don't know but I have been thinking about this for awhile, but now more than ever it would be so great to form a support network of people who have no vested interest in your life but to listen to you. Really listen. Comments?

The thorn in my side!

2008-06-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

I congratulate you on your perfection it isn't easy to be the only one. I admire your ability to remain untainted in this world of imbeciles, myself included, who do things like make mistakes. Not only once or twice but on a REGULAR basis. I am unsure how you find the air around you potable enough to even breath! It isn't just the perfection that I so admire in you but the way that you stare down at others and comment to their stupidity even when their lives have almost nothing to do with you and maybe just maybe their choices actually work for them. Maybe their decisions would in fact be a bad choice for you but for them it works. You still manage to find something in what they are doing to make comment on. That is talent. Taking the twisted truth of the grape vine and poisoning someones family with it should be an olympic sport because you would stand pruodly on the podium every year. This is why you were put on Earth, to stir the pot, to create drama where none is necessary and to make my life a living hell. Let me tell you you're good. That pot is well stirred, the drama is at a frenzied stage and by God my life is hell in your presence. Let me advise you... that perfection will crack, the fascade will drop and Karma is going to hand me the biggest stick to smack you with and because I am so flawed I will grin when I hit you with it. How do you like me now?

Women!

2008-05-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

Which is an odd statement to make considering I am one, but this weekend reiterated to me how brutally catty woman are. How totally irrational and bitchy that they can be! I am trying to explain my side to you but rather than hear me you start screaming in my face and trying to prove that you are right. Then when you realize that I am right and you were out of line you resort to name calling. Brutal. All the while wearing my sweatshirt that I lent you because you were cold. So you bitch me out, and walk away rather than face other people and drop my sweatshirt in the cooler of water. I hate you now, I think you are a mean spirited piece of crap who brings out the worst in me therefore I will have nothing to do with you, ever. I have dealt with you because of who you are to someone I love, I have listened to you talk out of your ass for long enough. You are stupid, irresponsible and of no use to me therefore I will not waste another moment of my life explaining a thing to you because you are not worth it. I am not interested.

Helpless Happiness...

2008-05-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

When one finds themselves in the valley of contentment, do you ever question it? Being the optimist in training that I am, I find myself in conflict over the question. Do you wait for the other shoe to drop or do you just accept that at this moment in time you are happy. Not wonder about how long, or prepare for the next disaster, just lap up the happiness like a kid with an ice cream cone and grin cause whatever mess comes along at least you had the ice cream!

Full Disclosure

2008-05-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

When you buy a house or are involved in a legal proceeding you have to provide full disclosure. The definition is complicated but simplistically you have to tell the other party involved all of the flaws of the house or legal situation. This is good for both parties as the buyer knows what they are getting and the seller is protecting themselves from being sued. Full disclosure also works from a legal stand point by getting to the truth of the matter. Now does this also work in a relationship? Should there be a full disclosure clause? Doe you have the right to know about a person's flaws before you invest? Do they get to know about yours? Most of our flaws are relatively obvious. Mine are anyway, but what about the flaws you keep to yourself during the beginnings stages of a relationship. The idea of sharing the things that we hold sacred can be scary, but they are inevitably what makes you.... you. Is there anyone who has privy to those deep dark secrets that may or may not explain to them the reasons that you react the way that you do. Can you explain these things or is it just better to move along through life never really knowing your partner's entirety. That sound ridiculous but if you honestly think about it. How well do you know your partner? Not what they take in their coffee or when they number 2 every day. Know their greatest fear, what their dreams are, if they won the lottery what their priorities would be. Do you know what makes your partner tick, know how to make them feel better, know where they want to be in 5,10,15,25 years? I think about these things because I failed once. I failed to be a good wife and I failed to know my partner and 9 years later we don't know anything about each other. Nothing. I know he is a good father and I know the resume of his life but I have no idea of any of the questions that a wife should have known. I don't want to repeat the same steps. I don't want to turtle when things go wrong or struggle begins. I want to be awake and aware, involved and in love. I want to be able to forgive freely and trust openly. I struggle to do both of these things with everyone. The idea of being able to fully give to someone is so idyllic yet, I am my own worst enemy. I push to hard, I demand to much, I almost feel more comfortable with failure because then I am right. I have a deep seeded core idea that every man is looking to use his wife. Not as a partner but as a servant. My mom and dad have a very 1950's relationship and that spills over into my everyday. God forbid that a guy asks me to get him a beer! I have actually stood up and walked out. I once walked long way home from a bar because the guy I was with told me I had enough. Where does this self justification come from? Why do I constantly push at my own happiness,not happy until I provoke anger? Why do I always assume he will fail? Is the idea of being let down more difficult than the idea of being alone and just doing it myself? So we are back to the initial question. Do you expect a full disclosure relationship or do you learn as you go?

The Struggle.

2008-05-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

There is an endlessness to decision making. The far past normal scenario play outs that I do in my head. The what ifs that seem to haunt my day. The moments I catch myself staring out my office window wondering... Not only on one subject but all of them that encompass my life. I would say it is my worst feature, my second guessing nature. Some would say that being cautious is one of my better features, I don't leap before I look. I don't hope things will turn out all right. I plan. I plan for the worst case scenario which usually has me lugging an unbelievable amount of stuff around daily. This could be a kick-back from having a very unorganized parental unit or it could be from having 2 years of none stop worst case scenarios or it could be my organizing personality firing into overdrive yet I constantly question. What if I brought this? What if I brought that? What if I went with the darker color? There are bonuses to this type of personality. I always ask if I can return something, I always keep receipts and I always think ahead. I rarely make mistakes at work, I am a checker, double checker. So far so good, now add emotion. What if I had finished college? What if I hadn't let Liam get his shots? What if I had waited to get married? Puts the double checker into a fast paced retrospective of my life decisions. Intellectually I know that I am incapable of knowing every piece of the puzzle when I decide something. I can only go by the moment I am in. The moment the decision is made that should be it. Yet, I struggle. Struggle to encourage myself that I did the right thing, struggle to remind myself I am allowed to make mistakes and mostly struggle with the idea that sometimes you don't have all the answers and you are forced to say I don't know.

To My Beloved Children,

2008-05-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

Words fail me when I try to explain how much I love you. Each and every scrap of you. I watched each of you come into my world, watched each of you grow and change and develop. Watched myself grow and change right along with you. You are in fact the essense of me. I draw strength from you and your miraculous perspectives. Jacob, you entered my world eyes open the color of the ocean after a storm. You were my golden child from day 1. You never fussed, never got upset. You played and learned. I have never seen you stop, you take on the challenge of the new day with the same warrior spirit I see in myself. You are motivated, brilliant and strong. You are the male version of myself and strangely your father. The two of us nothing alike in real life but so beautifully balanced in you. You are the reason for your other two siblings, for that I am grateful to you. You are such a wise child. I watch you watch the world and I can see you making changes in it. You are powerful beyond your own measure, I cannot wait to see the things you do with your life. You have had hardships as well. Life has not always dealt you the easy cards but you have handled each step with an amazing dignity that astounds me. You have always done the right thing no matter what the burden may be. I feel like you will be one of my greatest friends when I am no longer your parental figure, when you are an adult making your own decisions. I look forward to that day because you will truly be an amazing man. Courage is such a powerful yet over used word. Liam entered this world with that courage, a quiet strength. A boy trapped inside his own head. We grew together my Liam and I . You showed a kind of patience I had never experienced. I remember holding your tiny body as you thrashed with frustration and cursed the God who would do this to my boy! Slowly, tentatively I realized that you were my secret gift given to me by God because I had to learn humility, grace and pereserverence. You, Liam taught me each of these things. You are a smart kid! You always have been and the courage you posess inside your tiny body is more thn most of the men I know combined. I will miss you when you pursue your career in Africa, I know this because your obsession with that country has never faltered. Know that you were the only reason I got up in the morning for two years of my life. I adore every hair on your head and I see such amazing qualities in you. You are so gentle and kind, honest and loving. My baby girl arrived into my life by force, two weeks over due you, even then, could not stand the thought of not being by my side. Avery you are my dreamer,your mind is filled with good thoughts of ponies and candy and pretty things, flowers and rainbows. I admire your optimism. I am a pessimist and I have worked hard to see the glass as half full, admire peoples flaws and grow from my shortcomings. All of this is so natural for you. Your name means Fairy King, it is a man's name but you wear it well, the perfect balance of feminitity and strength. You embrace people with all the love that you are capable of and will never give anything less. You are powerful and pursuasive honest and gorgeous. I have the softest place in my heart reserved for you, my daughter since you came to me in the most difficult time of my life and I questioned if I could even have another child and stay sane. You taught me grace, and gave me my hope back. So many times I have heard people say you are just like me and I cling to that person I was and strive to be her again. My children are every breathe I take, they are loved and adored. I am hard on them, I expect a lot but we give and take from each other so naturally. Rather than go on and on about me on Mother's Day I want to thank the people who made me a Mom. The three people who have affected me most in my life, changed me, made me better. Forced me to define myself as a person, pushed me to the farthest reaches and rewarded me for going there for them. I grew up with my babies and love them for the goodness that they are and that they bring. I would not be the person I am today without them and that makes everyday a blessing.

Dear Joe,

2008-05-07T14:48:00.001-07:00

As cliche as it may be, this in in fact the hardest thing I have ever written. It cuts me to my very soul how much hurt you over the last year, for that pain I am truly sorry. It pains me that in order to be happy I had to cause you the amount of trauma that I did. I own that. The truth of the matter is that we were not meant to be. That sounds flippant and unfeeling, I do not mean it so coldly. I fought the agony of my inevitable decision for years. Masked it in the form of perfection and slowly felt myself die inside. I realized the day that we bought the right hand ring that we were done. I was merely excited for a piece of jewelery to show off, not that it was something to symbolize what we meant to each other. You told me to pick it out and I did. I wear it to this day to remind myself to be authentic in every situation of my life. You are a good man, you have bad judgement sometimes, but you are a good man. I enjoyed growing up with you. We ranted, raved, threw things but in the end you have helped create the person I am today. You kept my secrets, perhaps to well and together we fooled the world into believing we were the happiest people out there. No easy feat considering what was happening behind closed doors. You always told me to find my passion, find what made me burn. Advice I took and am better for it, but advice that pulled your world out from underneath you. Together we also created our children the only living reminder of our 8 years together, they love us both so intensely and I love them more than anything on Earth. They are the product of a fight to save a failing marriage, but they are also living examples on how forgiveness is supposed to work. They have never been in the middle of our nastiness, we managed to admit defeat long before they saw the tragedy of our marriage,for that I am grateful. For a long time I felt like a failure, the word divorced tattooed across my forehead on display for the world to see. Now I have come to terms with the idea of failure, not as a negative but as a learning curve. I can be forgiven and give forgiveness, the wounds are gone, the scars will fade, life does go on. On this the anniversary of the day you walked out of my door I wanted to pause and remember you in a positive light. You deserve that because the things that you have brought to my life since our separation have been positive. Does it hurt still? Yes. Yes it does, I don't like the idea that we vowed before God and are now relenting on that. I don't like that we bashed each other around for 8 years and I especially don't like the 3 pairs of eyes that tell me that they miss their Daddy. This is the situation we created and I refuse to run from the consequences of it. Divorce is ugly plain and simple. I truly believe that there is another side to it, a brighter place where forgiveness and acceptance is. Can we adjust to the paths each other's lives are heading in? Most importantly can the opinions of others be ignored in pursuit of the greater good of our babies? Can we be friends? Devoted to the truth, demanding of the other's full involvement with our kids, and balance that with the fact that we were married once? It is a slippery slope. Sometimes we make easy headway, other times it seems as though we are scratching and clawing our way up. As for myself, I no longer feel desperate. I no longer hear my own voice screaming in my ears, stamping my feet and feeling so ripped off. I have stopped staring out windows and wondered what I could have been had the events of my life taken another direction. You once told me you can't direct the wind, adjust your sails. We blew off course. We are heading in different directions, but knowing that you are there makes the water a little less choppy for me. Irregardless of direction you will always be a constant in my life and surprisingly I am grateful for that too.

Dear Mom,

2008-04-29T12:48:00.001-07:00

On this Mother's Day I know you are feeling less than motherly. I know I am much to blame. This has been a difficult year for the Mother's of our family, but especially hard on you. For myself I have been in transition. Emerging from one life to plunge headlong into the next. I know you are afraid for me. Watching your seemingly happy, married, mother of three, daughter change into someone you barely recognize is a pain I cannot imagine. Except I can because well, I am that daughter. I am that daughter that kept the pain and misery from you. The struggles I faced ,I faced alone. I know that pain too. I know you are angry with me for living a lie. I am too. I know you are upset that the Father of your Grandchildren left. I am too. I know you think I am immature, to quick to give up, and unbelievably selfish. I do too. I will never ask you to understand the decisions I have had to make and I will never ask you to accept them. I would never ask you to do the impossible. I have always counted on the love of my parents as steadfast and unwavering. Through this I have felt it shake and with that the reality that you are human, a lesson I at 29 had yet to learn. I am also human a lesson you have yet to learn. My life has changed in so many ways with you pretending that it hasn't. I have enabled you in this way and purposely spoken around the resounding issues that bash against the side of my head, still protecting you from the harsh sting that is the reality of my life. I don't know where I learned that you are incapable of handling the truth. I don't know when I started to protect you from it in a role reversal that exhausts me and at the same time, at the same time I choose it. Every time I choose it. The following days are to be the breaking point in our relationship. The decisions I am about to make will effect both of us and our path for the rest of our lives. My choices have been coming for the last 8 years. Unfortunately this will be the first you hear of it. I will break it to you gently but inevitably I cannot control your reaction. I will love you through it and never stop trying. I refuse to stop trying although I am convinced that you will. All I ask is your forgiveness. Nothing more but your forgiveness of me and of the life I choose to lead, whether it meshes with your beliefs or not. I need to cut the tie, For my own sake and for yours. Forgive me.

Swimming with the sharks

2008-04-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am from an industry where my name meant something. I was known, respected, liked even. I was tough but fair. Compassionate without prejudice. I made things happen, I made things work. Then I changed jobs. I changed for personal reasons, including being so bored and unchallenged I could die! Now I am here scratching out name for myself and feeling so far under water I am drowning. I cried today in a stall. Just frustrated tears that welled up after getting attitude from someone. The burning lump in your throat that you try and swallow and it hurts. I am tough, I don't cry yet here I was silently sobbing in a stall. I try to tell myself it's hormones, it's not. Try to tell myself yesterday was a tough day with the kids, it's not. It's me struggling with not being good at something right away. I am struggling with a lot of these new ideas. I am doubting my abilities. I feel inadequate a lot of the time.... I did this too myself. I did it on purpose! I have a brain in my head! I am intelligent! I deserve this job! I have paid my dues, done my time, worked so hard. I guess it is tough not to be recognized. Not to be complimented. The reality is that is rare in a job. I think employers fear laziness will set on if they compliment their staff. I feel like it would motivate me. I will kick it's ass! I always do, but for today I am going to feel a little down, a little blue and hopefully I will find my validation elsewhere. In the meantime I will paste this smile on, touch up my makeup, shoulders back, tits out, get the fuck outta my way!

Walking the line

2008-04-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

Where is the line between selfish and healthy? When I make a decision that is healthy for my well being and my life, if it negatively impact others is this considered selfish? Is it burned into our train of thought that to be selfless we must be doormats? Where is the line? How do you know when you have crossed it? It is possible to go to far the other way. I watch as Moms lose themselves in the idea of being a mom. Kids dressed to the 9s.. Baby Gap, Please MUM all the name brands you can buy and Mom? She is standing there is mismatched old sweatpants and flip flops. It can be competitive, how much abuse you can take before you are the better Mom, it is scary! I walk this line, it is slippery. I empathize with Moms there is a lot of upstaging in this business. With some it is how much better they are than you and with others it is how much worse off they are. In the meantime you stand there and think... Think about this line painted between you and wonder where all the competition started. The primitive truth is, we all struggle and no one likes it! If you say you enjoy struggling with your kids you are a liar! All of us want them to love us, like us, respect us. It doesn't always happen. In those moments of peace slide over to the selfish side and try and remember you where you before them, during them and you will be after them. I am Mom first but I refuse to let them grow up without knowing what a great person I am. That I can hit a home run for Jake, that I can fix the computer for Liam, that I can remember all of Avery's ponies names. That I work hard for them, organize for them, adore them! I also work hard for me, organize for me and enjoy being me! I am healthy, happy and sometimes selfish. I am raising healthy, happy, sometimes selfish kids. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ageless...

2008-04-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

Growing older is not on any one's to do list. We all do it, reluctantly, yet some people just seem ageless. They seem like they always have been and always will be here. My mom's parents are like that. They look the same, act the same, ageless. Until Tuesday when he fell down. My Gramma isn't much of a worrier so they continued on their day. He woke up with a numb right side. Throughout the day his speech deteriorated. He insisted he was fine, wanted to go to the chiropractor for the sore knee he fell on. She took him. The chiropractor took one look at my ageless Grandfather and called 911. He had a stroke. Mild but he was bleeding into his brain causing the pressure to build and push on different sections of his brain making it hard to talk and walk. He is going into surgery this afternoon. If he doesn't die he will make a complete recovery. Why doesn't that make me feel better? IF he doesn't die? I am sorry but do you know who this man is? He was a dairy farmer in Scotland for 25 years! He dragged his family to Canada to give them a better life! Worked two jobs to put my mom and her sister through college! Baby sat me for years while my mom worked! Tirelessly and endlessly loved all of us through all of our life and tragedies that have come along with it. Danced at weddings and cried at funerals. There is no way a brain bleed would bring this man to his knees, NO WAY! Yet..... I am staying with my Gramma tonight so if she gets the call she won't be alone. I am prepping myself to answer the phone call she won't be able to answer. Imagining her face when I have to tell her he's gone. I realize that death is a part of life. I accept the inevitable. Irregardless of the facts my heart hurts. She only as him. I will be up tonight praying.

"It's too much sometimes..."

2008-04-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

"Y'know".... Her voice trailed as she came to the end of her rant. I thought back to that time, almost another lifetime ago. When my phone rang this morning I was in the middle of hell. My project was on the rocks at work, my wallet was stolen with all my ID in it. My own life was coming down around me when she called. These calls always transport me back to my old life. To the scared 24 year old carrying a screaming 2 year old out of the building trying to make it to the car before I fell apart. I remember the oddest of things. My car smelled like old apples, Liam was yelling something that sounded like I hate you... I closed the door to the van sank to the ground and listened to him scream. It was a death. I used to think it was the death of him, now I know it was the death of me. I died that day. Everything I ever expected imploded, it was too much. When I was little I was told I was a genius. My Dad actually thought I was gifted, this of course was based on me potty training early but I was still told I that I was brilliant. I was pushed hard, told to do better, nothing short of perfection. That died that day along with a lot of beliefs and ideals. "Nothing happens without reason, no one is destined to be miserable, there will be something good from this." I repeat it to her over and over. Greif is a funny thing though it blinds you, tears at you, causes you to do things you had never thought possible. I had never thought I would see others do what they did through all that. " This isn't the end for him..." I am again speaking to her softly but trying to convey the strength that I had acquired and learned to draw from in times of break down. Trying not to tell her that it was the end for her, at least for now. She will learn that all on her own. For these types of kids there is no one but mom. No one. Jake had turned a year the day before 9/11. I watched on TV as the towers fell. I never thought one day my own towers would fall, and that I would hear others towers fall over and over. She is crying now. Her voice breaks as she tells me" I don't know if I can do this." I have heard this before too, I have even said it. " You no longer have that option..." My voice breaks too. I hear her aching, I can hear her heart tearing in half. I add softly.." Yes, you can. Dig deeper."

Where was God...?

2008-04-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

I always find this question fascinating. I have heard this question asked before and now that it has been asked again I would love to try and tackle it for you. In a town very close to where I live, a mother walked into her living room after a short time out and found her three children, stabbed and propped up on her couch with the words forever young painted in their own blood above them on the wall. Needless to say this is the most horrific crime that any of us in these parts have ever heard of let alone happen in our area. Apparently it could be the father/boyfriend. Details are being kept quiet as the investigation moves on. The communities in this area are shell shocked as we watch the horror of this investigation unfold there will be many a time where we ask ourselves about God and his "almighty love". I used to be an avid watcher of Touched By An Angel. In this show they depict the angel of death as a kind man dressed in white who leads us into our next phase of existence in heaven. The last time I watched it there had been a kidnapping on the show and as the result the child was murdered brutally. The Angel of Death appeared to the child who was watching his parent's grieve over his body in the hospital. He spoke with love to the child explaining to him that people are given choices. They can choose to be bad people or choose to be good people, with this choice, our God given choice comes great responsibility. Some of us will choose to be good people. We will follow the rules, pay our taxes and go to church on Sunday, but some of us will choose to be bad. We will choose the dark side and live in a place where every thought and desire needs to be fulfilled. Everything that is evil and selfish bubbles to the surface. Who do these evil people lash out at? Who do they prey upon? Who do they stalk and attack?........The good, the pure, the untouched. We cannot have choice without consequence. We cannot have freedom without pain. We cannot have power without downfall. We choose our path, we are responsible for it. So to answer the question where was God... He was in heaven with two trails of tears running down his cheeks as he welcomed three babies into his arms and kissed away the Earthly hurt that came with them.

Could I be any more confused?

2008-04-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

NOPE! I don't know what I want to do... I am tragically unable to make a decision. I have never dealt with indecisiveness before. I am stumped. I will not go into the problem but when faced with a difficult decision that as equal pros to cons how does one decide what to do? When neither your heart or your head can seem to make up their mind how do you move forward? How do you jolt yourself from limbo? It is a difficult struggle with a million what ifs floating about.... Any ideas?!?!?!?!?

Update?

2008-03-25T14:57:00.001-07:00

House hunting sucks... There is your update!

WOW

2008-03-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have no words. No description. Bikham yoga. Holy, Holy, Holy. It was the most difficult strenuous activity I have ever participated in. My body worked so hard I actually felt sick. For those of you who don't know this type of yoga it is heated to sauna temperatures and they have you hold poses for a lot longer than a typical yoga class. I HATED IT! I thought it was awful! I hated the instructor, the class, the heat, everything! It took everything in me not to walk out. 90 minutes of this assault. Then it was over, we walked out and holy shit did I feel good. I have had no cravings for anything remotely junk food like. I have had 6 cups of green tea today and had no hunger pains. It was an elation. You aren't allowed to think in this class only connect with your eyes. I feel so relaxed and calm this morning. I will go back and I will hate it all over again but this feeling is so worth the hell it took to get it. I think I might be addicted on my first hit!

the price of success

2008-03-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

Why am I feeling so guilty about being successful? Why do I feel bad talking about my new job and how much I love it? I am so proud of my recent accomplishments, yet I really try not to go into it with people. Why do I do this? Is talking about being happy and fulfilled and challenged bragging? Is it bad form? Is taking credit for something you work hard at faux pas? Sometimes I feel like it is, like people are going to consider me vain or stuck up. How do you go about this? I actually feel bad about being so organized when people ask me how I do it. Is that weird? I guess I am feeling like all the areas in my life are clear and organized and I am doing well... but I know people who aren"t in this spot so when they ask about my new job or my kids or my new truck, I don't want to seem like I am rubbing it in. Any suggestions?????

The retrospective birthday blog...

2008-02-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

I am a reflector. I love to wander back in my mind about who I have been, who I am, and who I am becoming... Do I like this person? Do I know what motivates her? Why is she reacting and how are her kids feeling about her? I am happy to report I do like my 29 year old self! Much better than the last three birthdays. I feel content. I took some risks... I made some tough decisions. I lept at oppurtunity, I thought long and hard over tough decisions. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot. I thought. I am a strong person. Maybe you don't agree. That is the best part you don't have to, because I know I am. I have a lot more "I know" statements now. I used to think I was strong, now I know it. I know I can do this alone or share it with someone, but those decisions are mine again. Mine to do, to fail at, to be me. No perfection, no more show, just me. I cannot tell you the liberation I feel that I am totally myself. It is harder than you might think, becoming authentic. I have yet to peel back enough to see my motivation behind my pretend self. Difficult father, trouble trusting men, never believing anyone but me has my best interest at heart....All of the above. I don't know. All I know is that I am the happiest I have ever been. I am remodeling my life with purpose and integrity, cornerstoning it with the brilliant children I brought into this world and putting it on a foundation of authentic Steph. Whatever the 29th year of my life wants to thow at me I perfectly ready for. I am enough for me.

Apparently I suck.

2008-02-18T13:45:00.000-08:00

I apparently suck! I am not sure of when all this took place but, I have been told. To be totally honest not blogging has been a result of two things. 1- time. I just started a new job and I have not stopped working since! I have no time to do anything! Frustrating! The other big one is I am unsure of what I feel comfortable posting now. My life has undergone some major changes and I am not sure how much I am wanting other people to know... I have a few "fans" who like to lurk over here and stay silent until they find something to dig their claws into. That being said I am not trying to hide anything either... Tough spot. Do I continue to bear my soul to the world or do I start to censor. For me there isn't a lot of in between..... What do you think?

BITCHES!

2008-02-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

I will post when I can! I am busy! I work way to much and besides that I have little to say! Hopefully tomorrow morning I will have time until then....

2007...My adieu.

2008-01-01T19:57:00.000-08:00

It was a heart wrenching, gut spilling, soul shredding year. I I had known then what I know now I may have chosen to skip it all together. I burned myself to the ground. I peeled all the layers back and exposed myself to myself. I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, I lived a lot. I lived more in 2007 than I have in the last 8 years. I listened to a lot of music, I drank a lot of beer, I jogged a lot. I stopped second guessing myself, I stopped thinking I couldn't, I stopped hearing the voice in my head that said I didn't deserve to try. I woke up, I thawed out, I let someone in. I fell in love with my kids, I fell in love with my friends, I fell in love with new friends, I fell in love with me. I changed my judgment of people I would "never" hang out with, I changed being so critical of myself, I changed being afraid of failing. I embraced that I am good at a lot of things, I embraced my imperfections, I embraced the failure that makes me the person I am. I let go of my weight issues, I let go of my past, I let go of my mistakes, I let go of my guilt over Liam, I let go of my Father's disappointment of me, I let go of my Mother's disappointment of me. I am looking forward to reconstructing myself again. Demolition is over it's time for the rebuild.

2007-12-29T09:19:00.000-08:00

I have a struggling 8 year old. He is a beautiful boy. Words can;t explain how much I love this child! He is my first born, and me being the oldest of a big family understand where he is coming from. He feels neglected and a pushed out of the way, but also understands that his siblings are in far greater need of me than he is. Doesn't change how he feels but he gets it. Jake isn't a material child. I can't buy him. Not that I would that isn't my style. He is sensitive and deep and things cut right to the core of his little soul. I have watched it happen. He has been the hardest hit by the his Dad and I splitting up. I know everyone says that about their kids, they are the people caught in the middle of it all. He is the carnage of this divorce. He loves us both so much and feels pulled by each direction. It is so difficult to watch him struggle. So I have involved him at his age level in the decisions of our family. Tried to keep him busy. I think my big mistake is time. I think he needs more of just me. That is my New Year's Resolution. I poured 2 years into Liam, I think I need to do the same for Jake. Not at the same level, not as intense but I need to do it. I start a new job on the 7th. I am hoping it will free me up both financially and with more time. I would love to involve Jake in some activities that improved his self esteem. I never took lessons or had any outlets for frustration, I htink that will help. I also considered therapy for him, but try and find a family therapist! The waitlist is 10 miles long!

In other things we had a fantastic Christmas! The boys went crazy for their wii, which was almost a catastrophe different story, they played all night and the next day. Jake has been at home playing throughout the day while on his vacation. Kids and I were spoiled! Which is nice. As non material as you want Christmas to be I still enjoy getting presents! It's fun to get nice stuff and give nice stuff. We made a HUGE Christmas dinner and had about 10 people over. Sooo much fun! I am still organizing, but that is just me. I think I will take everything down on New Year's Day this year. I usually take it down on Boxing day but it is going to take me all day and I had a lot of cleaning from Christmas Dinner to deal with on Boxing Day. Then I went back to work on the 27th.

So a few of you who also know me through facebook have heard of my new job. Yes I am leaving my present job, I manage an animal shelter, for a HUGE oppurtunity. I am the On Farm Program Director. It means I run farming programs. I am very excited. I have my own office and a laptop and a treo! I am not chained to a desk all day and I am busy! That is what totally sold me was being busy! I am so bored at work right now, I need a challenge! So I am taking the big plunge! Next year I get the week between Christmas and New Years off! I am very excited! So that is what is going on there. I am off and running again I have a million things to finish here before I go to my next job and I have 2 more Christmas parties this weekend! I know it's friggin' crazy!!!!! Happy New Year Fellow Bloggers, may 2008 not suck even half as much as 2007 did!

It never fails...

2007-12-21T16:15:00.000-08:00

I mess up on the smallest of things and I end up beating myself up about it. I was late to pick up my son at school today. Typically I have an arrangement with another mom and I drive mornings and she drives afternoons. Today she couldn't due to her Christmas party. I was late. I got the call the school was worried, fair enough I am trying to get there. I already feel like crap when I get there, when she says I also called your ex husband to tell him. I just stared at her. Perfect. So almost an hour later he calls. The conversation isn't important, it's just another example of why I cannot stay married to this man. I feel so undervalued and unappreciated by him. I take the kids to and from school and daycare everyday. I organize their schedules. I did all the teachers, daycare staff, and behavioral interventionists presents. I let him choose whether to take the kids in the morning or the evening on Christmas. He calls to make me feel bad about being late. I am at work too! I am working! I work 40 hours a week too! I also have our children 75% of the time. I make lunches, I am primary. It is so frustrating! I am constantly trying to maintain a civil relationship even talking to him. We have tried to be friends but I end up feeling like crap. It is exhausting. The whole thing is so exhausting. With everything else I really am not interested in these petty power plays. Rant over.

POTTY TRAINING 101!

2007-12-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

I consider myself the potty training queen, due to the fact I have done it successfully three times and one of those times was with an autistic child. Jake and Avery each took 2-3 days and Liam took 6 months, so as you can see each child is going to be different. This is what I have learned.

* Kids do not go for the high pressure sale: Standing there watching your kid pee makes them nervous which usually creates performance anxiety. Try and leave the room or tidy the bathroom while they are on the toilet, that way they don't feel like they are a one-man peeing show.
* Do not give them things to do in there. Besides the obvious germ issues, they get distracted. The bathroom is not for playing so why would we teach them to play in there? I want them to get in do it and get out. Even if that means I go back and forth a lot.
* Get RID of diapers. Accidents are going to happen, it is inevitable. Suck it up and watch closer. If it happens reassure your child they can do this and that we will try harder next time. Shaming them only creates resistance to succeed.
* Don't over praise. I am the first one to thank my child for doing things properly and I positively reinforce them all the time, but if you go bananas every time they pee for a couple days it may not be as exciting on day 4 so why should they keep peeing if you stop cheering. I have always told them I am very proud and it makes me happy to see them be a "big girl" or a "big boy". Leave it at that.
* Get them to teach someone or something. My daughter loves her Gramma so I got her to explain step by step how to use the potty to her Gramma. It reinforces their knowledge without putting them on the spot. My son had a thing with his teddy so I got him to "teach" Teddy how to be a big boy. This is by far the best tool I have ever used.
* Always move forward. NEVER change your mind. Once you start the potty training process, you must continue otherwise it will be twice as hard next time. Several times during Liam's training I almost gave up but pushing through made it happen quicker had I stopped and started again.
* Kids are only ready if they can: follow a two step direction, understand what a toilet is, go for long periods of time (more than an hour) and stay dry, understand the concept of hurry to something.

Plan: ( this is how I do it, there are millions of ways but this worked for me for 3 different kids)

~ Pull the potty or seat, whatever you are using and put it in the bathroom. Expose it to them, let them ask questions, tell them one day they can use it but not yet.
~ Make sure they are ready. Try asking them to do tasks tht are unrelated see if they can carry them out. Watch their peeing/pooping patterns. Are they a morning pooper? Evening?
~ Stock up on salty snacks and juice. Getting them full of liquid gives them more chances to pee.
~Explain to them that tomorrow is the day we say bye bye to diapers! Be excited for them.
~ Throw a few diapers in the garbage, show them that they are gone and there is no going back!
~Show them step by step how to go to the bathroom. From hurrying to the potty to washing their hands. So important to keep it light and fun if they resist push through. After each session in the bathroom give them something salty and a drink.
~Practice rushing to the potty from each room of your house, make it fun! I have a song I sing because my kids love lollipop. So I always sing " hurry to the potty, we can pee and get a lolli" my daughter still sings this song while she pees.
~ When there is an accident, let the child be responsible for cleaning himself up. By making the accident his problem he will be faster to realize the potty is the easier choice than stopping everything to change, put clothes in the wash, and wash hands.
~If there are other siblings make it worth it to participate. When Avery peed her brothers got a treat too! They always asked her of she had to go and she proudly gave away lollipops when she did!
~Ignore any resistance, some kid's will fight just for the control. Ignore this. Positive all the way!
~ Take to the potty every half an hour. Very important.

So that is my system. I have found it works for me. I also keep record of date, time and whether the child goes or not. It is easier to find success when it is written down. If you go from 15 accidents to 12 that can be tough to remember but that is success. My charts looked like this:

Date: Time: BM: Urine: disposition:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dec 4 9:02 no no happy to try
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dec 4 9:30 no yes happy & sticker given
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dec 4 10:00 gasy but no no unhappy to leave dora but sat
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The charts I make manage to keep me sane. I devote no less than 48 hours to potty training. Liam was another story, he took 6 months of that but he has autism so it is harder to grasp for him. I do not take phone calls, or go out on those 2 days I completely focus on getting it done. Good luck, like I said this is my way of doing it there are lots of other ideas. Any questions comment or e mail. By the way I am not a child psychologist or even have Early childhood eduducation this is simply from the hours I spent potty training my own kids. Have fun!

Apparently I am joining the trend with....thoughts....

2007-11-28T17:36:00.001-08:00

* Chicken pox are gross.
* I have not bought a single Christmas present.
* I am awesome at potty training.
*Do all kids hate mushrooms? why?
* Staying at home all day is so boring I might die!
*I have another Christmas party and I have not bought a single gift.
*My 5 year old is brilliant!
* My lips are REALLY chapped
* Why did the head fall off 1 wise man and a donkey out of my nativity scene? What does that even mean?
* I am afraid to go to the mall or wal-mart, maybe I will wait until after december 1st when they are open all night and go after work at 2am.
* I might go on a make up strike, I am kinda tired of wearing it.
*Is it silly to be sad my parent's are going away for Christmas at my age?
* Why am I hungry all the time right now?
* Should I bake?

Impending....

2007-11-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

So I have come across and impending doom situation. The kind that could go so very good or so very very bad. I am not sure if I am an optimist these days or a pessimist so I am not sure which side of the coin I am on. If the impending dooms day goes well it could mean a lot of important changes in my life. If it goes badly again changes but negative changes that will impact me in a more negative way. I struggle with ultimatums, I like things to be black and white so I give people these choices to be or not to be a part of my life. Recently a huge incident happened in my family. I don't want to go into the details because they are my family but I will say I was very hurt by the incident and let my family know this in no uncertain terms. I also in the heat of the moment said if I didn't receive an apology I was not going to be going to my family's Christmas dinner. I feel justified in this for a lot of reasons. The first is the comment was made by an in law. Now before everyone loses it there are rules when you are an in law and the main one is you do not step over the line with your spouses family. Someone did and they need to apologize for that. Secondly, I will not sit across from someone at a Christmas dinner without getting angry and making my feelings known. Neither are a good thing at a family event. Thirdly someone else did this, why do I always have to be the hero and smooth things over. I am tired of being the one who does and says what everyone wants me too! For once I want the other person to suck it up and apologize rather than me sucking it up and pretending i am not affected and there is no need to apologize. So there it is my stand. Now what?

the blog

2007-11-05T14:58:00.000-08:00

I am not an everyday blogger. I blog when I have something to say or something to vent...Something I need to put somewhere so I can go on with my day. The difficult part in blogging can be the critisim. The 30 seconds that you get to peer into someone else's life and all of a sudden you are thinking about all the ways that you would fix that life if it was yours, yet you are only tasting what the other person goes through. Tasting their life. Blogs are selfish, they are supposed to be! The very idea behind a blog is a selfish space of your own. To choose or not who reads you, to choose or not to post pics or HNT's or whatever you want. I find the comments left on blogs so amusing. People are so quick to judge a path they have never walked. When my son was diagnosed with autism, friends and family didn't know what to say. It was difficult for them so they ignored us or him. One person even told me I was "lucky" because if I had to choose a special need to have in one of my children this would be the one to choose. Hearty advice from someone with 4 healthy kids and the luxury to stay at home with them. I think I come across as bitter when I write. The truth is I am far from it. What I am is disappointed. I am disappointed that fairy tales aren't true, I am disappointed marriage isn't the institution I believed it to be, I am disappointed my son has to struggle with normal everyday and I am disappointed that not one person has acknowledged my disappointment. I have spoken before about the shedding of my former skin, this isn't about a new life. It is about a new perspective. I was tired and sad a lot and I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore. I got so sick of myself. I was depressed and fat, bored and in a rut. My marriage was struggling and I was to unplugged to care. I lived for Saturday night when I could get drunk. Any other day was a count down to that. I want more. I want a better career, I want a better life I want to feel passionate again. I want to feel the seize the day. I want to love getting up in the morning and collapse into bed tired and happy. I feel this coming. I feel the future me getting stronger and happier. I am doing it. I have a plan and I am doing it.

Do You think it through or Carpe Diem?

2007-10-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Well which is it? Carpe Diem, seize the moment, or think it through. Slowly methodically look at all the pros and all the cons. Look before you leap? Think how it will effect others, or just don't give a shit? What if there are no red flags? What if you feel it? One side of the decision equals out the other the only question is... Timing. Do good things come to those who wait OR Do you grab life by the balls?
Throw caution to the wind?
Seize the moment?
Can you apply one or the other to your life? Is it possible to be both a looker and a leaper? Does one cancel out the other? Spontaneous and cautious? Is it possible for both these phenomenons to co exist in one body? There are pros and cons to both. The looker always has the benefits of being cautious can make their mind up, examine possible outcomes. Yet may miss opportunities based on a lack of facts and information. The leaper is making quick decisions not always fully informed but the rewards on these risks can be high. Looker or leaper? Cautious or go for it?

The Shedding Of My Former Skin

2007-10-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that every seven years people change. A metabolic, cellular, spiritual change. Hence the seven year itch, you change your partner changes maybe the relationship can't survive. Maybe it changes, maybe it doesn't. I never believed in this phenomenon. I never thought that you could change so much that you didn't recognize the person you used to know so well. Not even just marriages, friendships, family, co workers. I seem to be shedding a skin of sorts, pulling away from what I used to be and developing into someone else. Not an entire remodel. Just a renovation. Joe and I are friends, I feel like the ugliness between us is over. He hasn't accepted defeat just recognized that our marriage was fundamentally flawed. We were pressured into it. We were kids having a kid. I still remember telling him. It wasn't the baby that scared me. It was a life time with someone I didn't know that did. He is an amazing father, an amazing friend. Now we can get to know each other, on our terms. He is seeing a girl. I am dating. We chat on the phone, he calls when he needs to talk. This is the relationship I envisioned for us. I love that he feels he can talk to me. I love hearing the "Steph, it's me can you talk?" He is in self discovery mode too. We can't do it together , we can't do it apart. I can't go through life not knowing him. He can't go through life not knowing me. For the record we are not sleeping together and I have yet to do that with anyone since our split. It is too important of a decision, to vital to who I am. That is a part of the old Steph I am clinging too. The major changes are a process. I am starting a new career soon, yet to be announced. I have auditioned for a play. I plan on doing a few more. I have re connected with a lot of old friends who I have missed and have missed me. I have lost a lot of weight and started paying attention to myself. My life has become mine again, I feel old anxieties floating away. Liam started kindergarten and is brilliant, they are thinking about putting him into excelled everything. He is reading grade 1 novels. He just started kindergarten! Jake as per normal is struggling with school but Joe and I have communicated and his stuff is both of our first priority. Feels weird to say that as Liam has been the axis point of my life for 4 years. Avery is blossoming and developing. Daycare has been so wonderful for her, yes it is mainstream, she is learning so much! They have an excellent preschool program that she is excelling in. I truly feel that I am in an amazing place right now. I have the best of both worlds, I am a mom with a lot of breaks to do the things I feel passionate about. My ex and I are in a great place and I feel really proud of him. The rip and tear of change can be excruciatingly painful. It can tear all of your insides out and expose your soul, but if you can push on...push through. Feel every emotion from joy to loneliness. From grief to arousal. You can get there, your family can get there. Your skin is shed and another, more confident, more self assured you can be exposed.

The "Ex" Files....

2007-09-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

" The reason I don't want to take the kids for Thanksgiving camping is I am not going alone."
"Oh, um.... right okay I didn't realize you were seeing someone."
"Yes, I am. Her name is B..... and she is a teacher and we have a lot in common."
" Right well good for you."
"Yeah it is good for me!"
"I know that is why I said good for you."

*later on the phone*

" I want to go to Jake's soccer practice."
"It's too soon."
"huh?"
"It's too soon."
"okay, I didn't mean right away but okay..."
" I want you to come alone."
"Yeah I know I will."
"I won't bring anyone either."
" It is totally different for me, I would like to meet her. If she is spending time with our kids...I'd like to meet her."
"You won't like her."
"I won't?"
" No she's hot..."
"Right like I care who you find hot anymore." (laughing during this part)
" This is where this conversation ends good bye." ( I am still laughing)

fall blues.............................................................

2007-09-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

The weather is changing and I can start to feel my mood change with it... I can feel it starting. It's harder to get up in the mornings and I am tired a lot. I have heard that tanning can help people who seem to have a seasonal mood issue, I'd say disorder but I don't think I am that bad. I just feel less energy. Less get up and go. Not to mention my September work load has been insane. Work and kids and meetings and laundry.... an endless cycle for me. I found myself in the shower last night thinking about my grocery list and a phone call I forgot to make. I think that takes multi tasking to an extreme. I also have a really sore neck. Not life altering just a throb I can feel that travels from my shoulder through my neck to the side of my head. I think I am just doing to much. I booked 3 days off at the beginning of October to organize myself and try to get away for at least a couple of nights. Any ideas? Something interesting fairly inexpensive... I was supposed to go to Vegas but that fell through so now I need a plan B. Something rejuvenating. All is going well with the kids they are adjusting to the new way of life. Joe is finally moving the last weekend of September so he will have a place and I can get rid of a bunch of stuff to him. The kids are excited because he is going to have a house now. Weird but good. I am strangely proud of him. This is a tough thing and I grew up with him, I want him to have a good life. I want him to heal. I want to heal. The process has begun.

a fracture in time

2007-09-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

How does life move this fast? How can I remember the exact moment he took his first breathe and his first cry... and he today he is 8? It is bitter and sweet. The older he gets the more I get to know him. He is compassionate, and passionate. He is considerate and imaginative. He looks after the underdog. He is an amazing big brother and a good friend. He hates mushrooms, is lactose intolerant and loves dogs and Spiderman. He has a sharp wit and a quick tongue. He speaks without thinking and can hurt peoples feelings while trying to be funny. He loves life..just sucks every moment out of every day. I often watch him playing. He will see entire stories lay out before him in the trees around our yard. He often will take his sister's hand or put his arm around his brother while we are walking. He is that kid. That special, wonderful can't-help-but-love-him child. HE has taught me a lot of valuable lessons even at his age. HE seems to get old world concepts. I remember recently Liam decided he wanted to wear a shirt that is Jake's . I said that the shirt was not Liam's and he should put it back. Liam got upset and started to melt. I was trying to be the authority when in walks Jake. He looks around at Liam and I struggling over the shirt and says "Mom, let him wear it... it isn't a big deal, it's just a shirt. I don't want you guys to be mad all day over a shirt." He turned and left. I sat down on Liam's bed. He is that kid. I don't know many kids who would be that kind and that loving and that practical to their little brother. Especially a little brother who needs so much from me, a little brother he could be mad at... but it doesn't even cross his mind. His heart is to big and he melts mine. Happy Birthday Jakes!